Recently, I had a conversation with my best friend. We were talking about the process of dating; the ebb and flow of possible significant others in and out of one’s life. She’s never been single for any significant amount of time; as soon as one man left her life, another one came in. I used to admire her ability to stay boo’ed up; she didn’t let heartache and heartbreak stop her from moving on to the next dude.
With some age and wisdom behind her, she’s realized that she made an error in not having time by herself. In going from man to man, with very little recovery time in between, it’s caused her a great deal of stress within herself. She maintains a certain level of frustration and there are times when she voices her regret at getting married and having a family as soon as she did. She wishes she had taken the time to know herself and figure out who she is as an individual, and enjoyed time as a single woman. She encourages me to stay single for as long as possible and enjoy the freedom such a lifestyle allows. No problem there; I'm having a ball.
But she has also encouraged me to step back into dating’s raging river. I’m a bit hesitant because I’m so guarded, but I understand her perspective as my bff. I was never one to stay manned up; significant time always passed between my relationships for any number of reasons. It has been a very long time since my last one (and this is by choice). Our conversation steered towards me making sincere efforts to “put myself back out there,” as it were. It got me to thinking about the process in and of itself. She told me that even though she felt like her heart was broken each time she broke up with a boyfriend, she eventually healed enough to move on to the next guy, and the next, and the next; until she met her husband.
I understand that. It’s no different than moving in and out of jobs until you find the best fit. It’s no different than trying to get published, getting rejected, and determined to try again and again until you are successful. Anything worth having requires a significant amount of work and patience. I’m long on one, but short on the other. I kept at my writing until I found something that works, and I’m going to get better at that until I am as successful as I envisioned myself being.
The difference between this and serial relationships is that there is no filter for one’s emotions. People who care for and love one another are destined to hurt each other. Relationships begin and end, hearts break and heal, tears shed and dry, and life moves on. I get it. However, I have no interest in randomly dating multiple guys. As a single woman, I understand that it is a perk; but it is not a perk I’m interested in having. I’d much rather have a few quality experiences than a bunch of meaningless ones. I’m not interested in trying men on like they’re a pair of shoes; especially when it comes to intimacy. My heart and my time are valuable, and I’m not about to waste either on a few months with an unworthy guy. Hell, it shouldn't take months for a woman to find out if the guy she's messing around with is unworthy. She should know that within the first few weeks, but I digress.
Serial relationships are necessary because it is through experience that you find out what you want in a guy, what you don’t want, what you can put up with, and what you absolutely cannot handle. I believe a woman can sort through this miasma with a small number of significance rather than a horde of randomness. But everyone isn’t like me, and what works for some women doesn’t work for all women. Part of the problem is a woman knowing who she is and what she wants prior to making a connection with another. If that part of the equation is properly set up, then it is easy to balance and complete.
I take my bff’s words under advisement. I understand what she means and that she wants me to be happy and healthy. But it is difficult for a guy to move my thermostat even slightly; something substantial has to occur for me to take note, and even more for me to respond to it. It just ain’t gonna happen in back-to-back relationships. I’m tedious that way, but at least I know it. When it’s right, it’ll be right. No man is better than the wrong man, and certainly no man is better than multiple wrong ones.
But it is difficult for a guy to move my thermostat even slightly; something substantial has to occur for me to take note, and even more for me to respond to it.
ReplyDeleteBoooooooooooy, do I know what you mean.
"No man is better than the wrong man, and certainly no man is better than multiple wrong ones."
ReplyDeleteAnd this is what many people don't understand. They think to be alone is the worst thing on the planet because if you are alone then that means you're defective or some other nonsense.
I can't tell you how many guys have said something to the effect of, you're smart, you're kind, you're good looking, you're ambitious, why are you single? What's wrong with you?
I simply tell them the right one hasn't come along.
"But it is difficult for a guy to move my thermostat even slightly; something substantial has to occur for me to take note, and even more for me to respond to it."
ReplyDeleteThis is something I have come to realize about myself this past year. I am no longer easily moved by anything a man says or does. Am I being too hard on these poor fellows? Or am I at a new level in my life where the old rules no longer applies?
I will say that it is number 2.