Musings in the Dark: July 2011


What I Require

There is an age-old activity that women do, especially young ones.  They like to make a list of requirements they want in a man.  I used to do this very same thing when I was in college because it was what women did.  My lists were always a bit different from other girls because I had different sensibilities.  There were similar requirements on every list.  Here’s an example.  He’s gotta have/be…

Tall (6” and up)
Handsome (goateed, pretty eyes, skin, and teeth; model looks)
Big Dick/Can fuck
Swag/Be a baller
Make lots of money (so he can take care of me)
Drive a fly-ass car (whatever the new flashy ride is)
Clean, well-dressed (expensive suits; typically a designer is named)
No kids

Sound familiar?  At least some aspects of it?

Leslie Jones, a comedienne, said that she wrote a similar list.  It was long and detailed and included specifics like education and integrity.  When she went back and examined the list sometime later, she determined that the man on the list was too good for her.  To paraphrase, she said, "I can't pull this motherfucker!"  I would assume that when she looked at her list and compared said traits with her own, she realized that she came up short.  She wanted him to have things and be something that she did not have and was not going to be.  A pairing like this is one that is described using the term “unequally yoked.”

You want someone who drives a Bentley, lives in a nice house, dresses in Versace, makes a shitload of money and has no children, but you don’t have a car or your own place, you barely make ends meet, and you have four kids.  How is that even fair?

I said in a previous post, “Most men who are serious about attachment want women who can meet them on their level…”  And if you’ve read any portion of my blog, you know that I, and women like me, expect the same.

But I digress.  This post is about my list of requirements.  It is not superficial; rather, carefully and methodically constructed after years of experience.  It’s said that with each relationship iteration, you figure out what you really want and what you absolutely will not put up with.  The following list is what I require, and I have clarified exactly what I mean with each attribute.  Any man worthy of being in my life must have these characteristics and rest assured that I will meet him almost point for point.

1.  Intelligent:  Well-read and versed in a variety of subjects. A passion for knowledge, the ability to carry on a stimulating conversation & is a geek/nerd/fanboy about something.

2.  Appealing:  Attractive and sexy, with a great personality and the ability to be flexible.  Doesn't mind leading or being led, and is enthusiastic and willing to explore any and all aspects of our relationship.

3.  Hard-working:  Goal-oriented and understands his role in the alignment.

4.  Funny: A wacky, goofy sense of humor, the ability to be silly, and the ability to find hilarity in almost anything.

5.  Patient (Now this is the one point where I freely admit I struggle)

Some people are probably thinking that I didn't say anything specific about looks, hygiene or grooming.  As far as I'm concerned, those items are understood and do not require elucidation.  What woman worth her salt would consider dating a nasty man? And I don't mean nasty in the good way.

Got your own list?  Is it the same as mine or wildly deviant?  If you haven’t done so, I encourage you to take the time and develop your own.  If you happen to be in a relationship when your list is made and you find yourself comparing it to the person you have in your life and see that they come up short, well… 


Sexy Things (1)

In a quest to reach the apex of my own personal brand of femininity, I’ve recently begun purchasing pretty things and sexy things.  Like any woman, I love shoes, and as far as I’m concerned, can never have enough of them.  There’s something about a great pair of shoes that satisfies me on a deep level.  And there’s something about high heel shoes that improves the entire feminine physique.  Heels raise the calves and elongate the leg.  Yes, they can be uncomfortable, but that is why they must be properly broken in.  I have heels of varying heights, but nothing shorter than three inches.  I have fantastic legs and anything less than 3” does not show them off in the way I feel they deserve.
"Dolly" by Pleaser
Since I’m an amateur poler, I like platform heels.  Platforms are great to dance in because of the increase in surface area.  A word about these shoes:  People assume that just because they appear to be so high that they’re bad on the ankles and the arches.  What they don’t understand is that a platform heel actually does have a platform which reduces how high the foot arch goes.  For instance, I have a pair of red patent leather Pleaser Dolly platforms with a 5” heel.  The platform is 2”, so the actual height of my arch is 3”, and thus, extremely comfortable.

"Delight" by Pleaser
The next pair of platforms I plan to purchase are these boots.  They're made of a stretchy mesh fabric and pull up like a pair of stockings.  The heel is 5 3/4" with a 2 1/2" platform.  They come in black, silver and white as well as pink.  Also from Pleaser.  Nice, aren't they?  

I also plan to get a pair of clear heels.   Clear platforms are a standard for exotic dancers and they are quite sexy.  You can get them in all shapes and sizes, with designs, rhinestones, crystals and slits to hold money.  Dancing in a pair of clear heels adds a risque edge, one which I can't resist.  And truth be told, most men can't either.  
Every woman should own a pair of these.

There is something about sexy shoes and boots that answer what I think is a primal female need.  Men cannot help but gawk and I love the attention.  Now I don't wear these to my place of employment, but I will sport them elsewhere.  Proudly, I might add.  I’m sure plenty of people will make assumptions about what it is I might do for a living based on the shoes I wear, but as the cliché goes: walk a mile in them before you judge.  As long as my name’s spelled right, I don’t give a shit.

Don't hesitate to visit Pleaser or Ellie if you are a fan of sexy shoes.  They are makers of great comfy platform sandals and boots.  Their shoes have a shock-absorbing cushion for the sole, which makes learning to dance in platforms a lot less hard on the feet.  They can be expensive, but I caution you to not trade comfort for cost.  Your feet will pay the price for a lifetime.

Next:  Stockings & garter belts


Rediscovering Sexy (2)

Sometimes women get so caught up in their day to day lives that they push their femininity aside.  I mentioned this in previous posts (Rediscovering Sexy & Selfish Bitch? I Don’t Think So!).  I am guilty of having done the same; or rather, it was a matter of choice in order to do what I had to do.

To provide a frame of reference, the period of December 2006 through April 2010 was the darkest time of my life.  I was at my absolute lowest, physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.  I was a caregiver, and I’d stripped away every aspect of myself in order to see my mother through her last few years.  During that time, I was a ghost, a shell, almost insubstantial, and the only reminder that I was a girl was that monthly bitch.  And then after my mother passed on, I went into a deep depression because there was a giant hole in my life I didn’t know how to fill.  People who’d never experienced such heartache were quick to think that a boyfriend would repair the damage.  I knew better than to make that mistake.

Anyhoo, I refer to that period in my life as Emo Hell.  Fast forward to now and you will encounter a woman who is nothing like the one from that time.  I took care of the inside first, got grief counseling and allowed my heart to heal.  Then I went searching for the woman that had gotten lost, and I found her in the strangest of places: a pole dancing class.  This was in 2009.  I’ve been poling for two years now and it is something I do for myself.  I love it, love it, love it, and it has given me a new appreciation for my body and my femininity.    

For those of you who want to make a self-righteous leap, I must clarify: women who pole aren’t strippers.  Most strippers can’t pole, and most polers can’t strip.  They ARE NOT mutually inclusive.

What the class did for me: improved my posture and gave me a better awareness of how I move in my personal space.  I’m far more confident than I used to be and it radiates from within.  I’m more flexible and in better shape; I’ve lost 12 pounds and three inches from my waist.  The class encourages us to caress our bodies and love ourselves.  We’re encouraged to adopt sexy personas and stage names (though none of us are in this course to get ready for the stage; it’s not that kind of class).  We learn basic pole and floor work and we move at our own pace.  We don’t judge one another and we encourage each other.  Every four weeks or so, we have recitals where we put together a routine and carry it out.  Amateur poling gives one a whole new respect for the women who do it for a living.  Those women are true athletes and I dare someone to try their luck at the fireball, the parachute, the martini girl or the backhook and say differently.  I have mastered a few basic moves and I have a goal: to climb the pole before the year is out.

Another thing that the class has brought out is the desire to wear sexy things in private, for myself.  I’ve purchased stockings, fishnets, stilettos, platform heels, hot pants and things of that nature.  With the encouragement of my dear friend Noob, I’ve eschewed my big comfy T-shirts and pajama bottoms for silk and lace sleepwear.  I’ve thrown out most of my sensible cotton underthings and purchased pretty girly panties.  I’m now wearing perfume and have become acutely aware of how I present myself to the world.  Noob calls it “taking the pussy for a stroll.”  Every woman should do it because it feels good.  Any man that I invite into my life now will reap the benefits of the things I'm doing for love of me.  

Bit by bit, I’m rediscovering my sexy, and there's yet another level that I'm trying to get to.  Each layer revealed is another layer of freedom.  Knowing that I’ve served my main purpose and saw my parents through their final years—alone, for the most part—releases me to be who I really am and enjoy my life free from the stultifying strictures of what others think my life should be.