Musings in the Dark: Step yo’ game up…or at least learn to spit it


Step yo’ game up…or at least learn to spit it

So I know this guy.  He’s a good man; smart, funny, and talented.  I’ve known him for several years.  I know that he’s attracted to me; that he likes me and has for a little while.  The problem is that he’s passive and indirect.

Let me be clear: I have no interest in being with anyone right now.  I’ve got a lot of wonderful things happening and plans to live abroad within the next 18 months or so.  I’m selfish about my life and my time, and I know that messing around and falling for someone can derail some of my plans.  Fuck that. 

Now that that’s out of the way, let me continue with this little tale.  I have a very strong personality with a tendency towards bluntness.  Any man that is serious about dealing with me will know that from jump.  He’s got to be strong enough to handle me in the ways I need to be handled.  Some of you ladies know what I’m talking about, but I digress.  I’m not attracted to passive men.  I don’t notice them; they’re like gnats on a windshield.  I’m not so arrogant to think that just because a man says “hello,” that it means he’s trying to get with me.  I’m thinking that he’s merely being polite.  For a man to try and get at me requires substantial effort on his part; he’s got to go out of his way for me to notice him.  He’s got to spit some major game, and I don’t mean any lame ass pick-up lines lesser women fall for.  Otherwise, he’s an insignificant bug and not worth my time.  Just sayin’.

So this guy who I know likes me, hints all around it.  He says little things about us potentially being together and I just smile and overlook them.  He tried to ask me out once, and it took 45 minutes of him texting me and getting close, but he never came right out and asked me, and so we never went out.  I knew where he was going with it, but I am not about to help a man ask me out.  I need for a man to be a man and man the fuck up.  If you want to ask me out, then ask me out.  If you are attracted to me and want to know if it’s mutual, then ask me.  I’m not rude, mean, or inconsiderate, but I will be honest about where I stand.  But I do expect for a guy to be direct about such things, and I do expect for him to try and woo me.  I need for him to spit some real game; something meaningful that lets me know he’s serious.  I’m a flesh & blood woman, and I respond to the attentions of a man, but only if he’s a man about it.  Passive men simply cannot get it from me.  I’m too strong.  I couldn’t take such a man seriously and would consider him nothing but a bug to be squashed under my boot.

My father was a passive man and he got flattened by the steamroller that was my mother.  She told me when I was old enough to understand that I shouldn’t marry a man who was weaker than I was, because he will make me work harder than I should have to.  I took her words to heart.

The guy in question is a man who will make some woman a good husband.  I know he’ll be a good provider and will do his best to take care of her.  It will have to be a woman who is all right and can deal with his passivity.  I can’t do it, and I’m not about to lie to anyone and say I can.  There is a place in this world for a man like that, but by my side isn’t it.


  1. Thanks very much for this post, because it raises a very important point.

    No man is better than the wrong man, and once a woman accepts this, she's less likely to cave in and settle for a man she knows deep down is not the right one for her.

    I really commend you on sticking to your guns and not doing all the work with this man. Passivity is not attractive; shyness stops being cute after the age of 12, so people need to stop trying to play the card already. We're all grown folks here.

    Personally, I equate shyness with laziness. If you can hold down a job, pay some bills, and all that jazz, asking out a women shouldn't require moving mountains.

  2. I am really feeling you on this one.

    I have to confess though that I too I'm a strong woman with the personality to go with it to boot. Many people have taken me the wrong way and call me aggressive, but I let them know I am just being straight up. That's it.

    I use to deal with passive men and I told myself, which was a lie, that the man will learn to take more initiative as time went on. But that never ever happens.

    And your mom is right, you will have to work way to hard to keep a relationship going with a passive man, because everything will have to be on your shoulders. And I just can't deal with that shit no more. Too bad I didn't have a smart mother around like yours to give me this advice. My stepfather was very passive and my mother walked all over his ass every single day. Now I know why.

    Glad that I finally woke up to that truth.

    Now there is this guy I have known like my entire life. I cut him out about 3 weeks ago. Up until like 3 years ago I was not aware of the fact that he liked me since we were kids. After he finally got around to confessing how he feels, nothing.

    Then he has the nerves to tell me that he is waiting to see me do something, but he is not going to tell me what it is. I know exactly what it is that he is waiting to see and it is never going to happen. He has the perfect opportunity above every other man out there to get with me, but instead of stepping his game up, he sits back, relax and enjoys the show.

    I have to admit that I use to like guys like that and I use to think that it is cute. I don't anymore. I need and want a real, true man who can and will handle me right. Anything less will only cause me to feel dead inside. I rather be by my damn self than in an unfulfilling relationship going absolutely nowhere.

    Like Beyonce said in her song called Single Ladies:
    Don’t treat me to the things of this world.
    I’m not that kind of girl.
    Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve.
    Is a man that makes me, then takes me.
    And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond.
    Pull me into your arms.
    Say I’m the one you WANT.
    If you don’t, you’ll be alone.
    And like a ghost I’ll be gone

  3. This might surprise a lot of people but I'm very shy and reserved and uptight in real life. But one thing I can say from experience and from dealing with other guys is that if a man wants something bad enough, I don't care how shy he is, he will make a play and will be as aggressive as he can to reach his objective.

    If he wants you, he'll make his intentions clear.

  4. @Denny: This right here...

    ...if a man wants something bad enough, I don't care how shy he is, he will make a play and will be as aggressive as he can to reach his objective. If he wants you, he'll make his intentions clear. what I'm saying. We can infer two things: either he doesn't want me bad enough (and there's plenty of evidence to the contrary), or he thinks he IS being aggressive in trying to get my attention. Perspective is everything. Either way, it's not working.


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