Musings in the Dark: April 2012


No, I’m Not Ready to Learn…

New song:  EPIC FAIL

Last week, Brian McKnight released a new track entitled “If You’re Ready To Learn.”  Those who are fans of Mr. McKnight (and I’m not one of them) know him as a romantic R&B crooner.  But with this track, he took a sharp left turn and deviated into an area largely dominated by entertainers (I refuse to call them singers) like Trey Songz & Chris Brown.  The song in question is about Brian supposedly teaching a woman about how her pussy works.  And yes, there is video evidence to support it

Yes, you just heard Brian McKnight sing “Let me show you how your pussy works/Since you didn’t bring it to me first/I have lots of things to show you/If you’re ready to learn/ Let me show you how your pussy works/Bet you didn’t know that it could squirt/I have lots of things to show you/If you’re ready to learn…

What’s funny about all of this is how happy and how PROUD he is of this song.  He’s practically giddy with joy.  I love how he hit the high note on the word “pussy.”  As an artist myself, I feel like every one of us should be proud of what we produce and let our efforts speak for themselves.  Having said that, here’s my $.02 on Mr. McKnight’s latest effort:

How can you, a man, tell a woman how her pussy works?  Just what makes you an expert on the female body in such a way that you can explain to what I hope is an ADULT female how her sexual organs function?  Who are you to say that you know exactly what it takes to get a woman off, and are inclined to make the assumption that the same things work for every single one of us?  Motherfucker, you can’t show me shit.  If you came at me like this, my pussy will turn into the fucking Sahara and try to kill you.  Then you can find the blackest part of my ass and kiss it.

*rolls eyes and sucks teeth* The line “Since you didn’t bring it to me first” gives me all kinds of heebie jeebies.  A young girl *bletch* wouldn’t know about squirting.  Could it be possible that Mr. McKnight is, in a roundabout way, suggesting that young women let him be the one to pop the cherry?  If so, eeeew, and break out the can of creepazoid repellent.  Maybe I’m reading way too much into these lyrics, but since there will be young girls listening to this song, my Spidey senses can’t help but tingle.  I find this piece of shit condescending and insulting.  A woman should always be the first to know exactly how her body works, and to wait for a man of Brian McKnight’s ilk to instruct her on the mysteries of her vajayjay is sheer stupidity on her part. 

There is a faction of McKnight fans who like the track and will support him.  That’s fine; one’s fanbase should be stalwart.  But it is my understanding that he has alienated a lot of his fanbase (mostly women) with such explicit lyrics.  They’ve come to expect a certain type of music from him; not something like this, which is better received from a Trey Songz type, and they are definitely letting him know.

Now I mentioned earlier that Mr. McKnight is visibly excited about his new song.  He talks about its genesis and demonstrates two cuts of the track; the studio version and a raw form.  He’s happy; he’s proud, like any artist should be.  You get the impression that this is all very serious to him.  Then, all of a sudden, the song became “a parody” and “a joke” when all of the negative backlash started coming in.

Here is a definition of “parody” as it relates to music:

The practice of reworking an already established composition, especially the incorporation into the mass of material borrowed from other works, such as motets or madrigals.           Source:  The Free Dictionary

Brian McKnight, I call bullshit.  Bull-motherfucking-shit!!!  That song was no joke, and it can’t be a parody because there isn’t an original version preceding it.  It is the original.  You meant that song; you can’t take it back just because most folks weren’t feeling it.  Own it, Brian.  Own it; don’t apologize for it.  If people don’t like it, they don’t like it, but don’t go back on your own feelings about a song you created that you clearly were delighted by.  Every thing ain't for everybody.

When reading the comments on the video, 98% of them were lambasting Mr. McKnight for the track.  2% were in support of the song, but of these 2%, I strongly suspect that he made up 50%.  Those comments just reek of obviousness.  I can’t prove this, of course, but I trust my gut.  I scanned Mr. McKnight’s Twitter feed last week.  He was really upset by the backlash, to the extent that he was engaged for several hours in arguments with some of his followers.  He tweeted the following last Tuesday:

“okay im taking it down and ill never do it again im putting up a safe song jeez no sense of humor but i trended for a little while,” he Tweeted. Later, he added, “It’s funny how we listen and let our kids listen to songs about killing people and selling drugs and calling women bitches … I wrote this song crude as it may be about satisfying all women and look what happened.”   Emphasis mine on the bold text.

Of course, I zoned in on the bold phrase because, as I said before, I find it to be presumptuous and arrogant for any man to claim to be able to do this.  He can think it all he wants, but he better not let the words cross his lips, and he should strongly consider it before pressing SEND.  And for damn sure, don’t write a song about it…and then claim shenanigans when it backfires.

One article claimed that Mr. McKnight is acting out of desperation to save his career, since his last album (which came out last year) sold only 47,000 copies.  I’m guessing we won’t have to wait long to see how that turns out.


An Ode to Cheese… (1/5)

I’m a fan of the SyFy network for many reasons (one being I’m a science fiction/fantasy nerd), but the main incentive for why I tune in is its low-budget cheesy flix. These are C- and D-grade movies.  The acting is dreadful, the F/X horrific, the plot premises complete and utter bullshit, and the scripts atrocious.  Yet, in this sea of limburger, one can find nuggets of brie.  I have spent many a happy weekend immersed in SyFy cheese, and have even gone so far as to Netflix some of these films just to have the pleasure of watching them during long droughts when SyFy wants to upgrade their lineup and show some actual movies. 

A side note:  SyFy’s craptastic films cover all genres, but I nearly piss myself whenever they have a sea creature weekend.  I especially adore these movies and I believe that they are the network’s crowning achievements.  The following are, IMHO, the five greatest movies of all time (under the aforementioned criteria):

1.     Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus
2.    Frankenfish
3.    Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus
4.    Sharktopus
5.    Mega Python vs. Gatoroid

Notice a trend in the titles?

I shall begin my elegy with the greatest movie ever made: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus
It is a travesty that this
brilliant film hasn't been
nominated for an Oscar.

This is the best SyFy flick I’ve ever seen.  Starring powerhouse actors Lorenzo Lamas & Deborah Gibson, this is a marvelously flawed tale of millennia-old mortal enemies (the megalodon & the octopus; not Gibson and Lamas, in case you were wondering).  They were frozen in combat 80,000,000 years ago and woke up ready to swing (said scene is snot-inducing from laughing so hard).  These ferocious creatures continue their epic battle on a worldwide scale and it is up to our plucky marine biologist (Gibson) and our gruff government mercenary (Lamas) to keep the colossal sea beasties from destroying civilization.

Highlights of this fantastic cheese brick include the megalodon leaping 30,000 feet into the air to eat a 747, and taking an enormous bite out of the Golden Gate Bridge.  The octopus is no less spectacular.  It bitch-slaps an F-18 (or F-14 orF-22; the type of plane changes as soon as you blink) out of the air and destroys the same oil rig twice.  An Iowa-class battleship majestically fires its guns in an attempt to kill the giant shark, even though the guns aren't facing in the direction of the megalodon.  There is an intense scene where a trio of intrepid scientists (including the-*cough*-lovely Debbie) spends hours and hours mixing chemicals in a lab for no apparent reason.  They have the goofiest expressions on their faces while making what appears to be Kool-Aid: “We’re doing science!” the expressions say. 

The best line in the movie comes from our dear Ms. Gibson, who wakes up out of a random dream to say to an unenraptured audience: “Thrilla in Manila!”  Never fails to elicit paroxysms of laughter coupled with tears of joy.

I’ve watched this movie at least 10 times.  You can stream it on Netflix or rent the DVD, if you are so inclined.  This is a masterpiece of modern cinema.  Five fucking stars, man.  FIVE!!!  And two thumbs up.

Next up:  Frankenfish


I Guess I’m Just Mean Then…

A couple of weeks ago, my brother was moving some furniture with his brother-in-law and friend in my house.  The brother-in-law (let’s call him Mark) has been trying to get at me for quite some time.  He’s not my type, and more importantly, he doesn’t move the thermostat.  I’ve always been courteous to Mark because he’s family by extension, and the only reason why I know he’s been trying to get at me is because my brother laughs about it.  I know my brother well enough to know that the following “transcript,” though my words, are an accurate representation of the conversations that take place between them whenever my name comes up.

Mark:  “Hook me up with yo’ sister.”
Brother:  “Fuck no, nigga.”
Mark:  “She just what I need.”
Brother:  “Nigga please.  Yo’ ass ain’t even in my sister’s league.  You can’t keep no job, you ain’t got yo’ own place, and you ain’t got nothin’ to offer her.”
Mark:  “I can give her what she need.”
Brother:  “Yo’ broke ass don’t even know what that is.  You can’t pay none of her bills.  She got fuckin’ standards.”

Now being my brother, he’s always been protective of me and has shielded me from guys, especially ones he knows.  Not so cool when I was in school, but I do appreciate the loyalty.  My brother knows who and what I am, and he’s not afraid to let other guys know that they can’t hang.  For the record, I don’t need my brother to run interference because we’re not in high school anymore.  I can handle the riff-raff.

This is what I know for a fact about Mark:  1. He has a criminal record.  2.  He’s got a kid.  3.  His employment record is spotty.  4.  He lives with his parents.  5.  He’s in his early 40s.  We ain’t got shit in common.  While I think he’s cool in terms of his relationship to my brother, there ain’t no way on God’s green earth that I would ever even consider considering going out with him.  We don’t bring the same weight to the table.  That’s what the Bible calls “unequally yoked” and what I call “No-fucking-way.”  I will not support a grown-ass man with a kid that ain’t mine who may or may not work and ain’t got a place to call his own (he for damn sure can’t stay with me).  Sadly, I know a lot of women who would take him with all his flaws simply because he has a penis and they’re sick of being lonely (and he has had plenty of girlfriends and even a fiancĂ©e once).  But I digress.

Now while Mark and I have never had any chats close to discussing this (our “conversations” consist mostly of “Hey, how you doin’.  Fine, you?”), I’ve been told by my brother that he describes me as being “mean as hell.”  When I ask why that is, especially since he doesn’t really know me and I’ve never been anything but polite, my brother says it’s because I won’t give him any play.  Doesn’t make a lick of sense, does it?  I’m mean because my brother considers Mark below my standards.  Mind you, Mark has never heard me say anything of the sort; he hears this from my brother.  But I get painted as being mean. 

This sort of delineation isn’t new or exclusive to me.  Men who want women they can’t get deal with their rejection by projecting their anger onto said women.  They soothe their bruised egos by insulting the object of their desire (whether or not she knows they exist).  Hence you hear some men calling women everything but a child of God, including but not limited to, “She’s a whore, she hates men, she’s a lesbian, she’s an angry (black) bitch, she’s stuck-up…she’s mean.”  It makes them feel better about themselves to insist that the problem isn’t with them, it’s with the woman. 

Now I will say this, and followers of the Dark already know it, Mark is absolutely beneath my considerable standards.  My life and comfort level speak for themselves, and any man worth his salt knows what the bottom line is before I even open my mouth.  But I’m not callous enough to rub something like this in any man’s face.  Mark’s issues are his own.  I suppose the fear of getting shut down quick, fast and in a hurry has paralyzed him enough that he’d prefer to think of it as me being “mean as hell” rather than deal with his own inadequacies.  He knows that everything my brother says about him in relationship to me are dead-ass right.  He knows he doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell in getting my attention, but the point is that he doesn’t know for sure because he has never tried to talk to me like a real man should.  I’m sure he knows that he really can’t step within my sphere and that is why he never tried, but as long as it’s my fault and not his, he can live with it.

Women have gotten the short end of the stick since Lilith left Eden and Eve took up with the serpent.  If insulting me helps Mark to sleep at night, I’m fine with it.  I don’t mind being the villain, especially when I sleep even better than he does. I guess I am just mean then.  



To my beloved audience,

As you can see, I haven't been posting much.  This is for a couple of reasons.  I'm in the process of trying to finish up some schoolwork so that I can graduate, and more importantly:  I'M WORKING ON ANOTHER BOOK!!!!  The ideas for this one came out of...erm...nowhere, (thanks, Muse!) and I'm about halfway done with it.  It's called "Tainted," and it's a dark, erotic volume of poetry and shorties with a creepy love story at its center.  I've never written anything quite like this before, but I'm completely taken with the subject matter.  It's my hope that "Tainted" will be published by MCP later this summer. Of course I'll keep you posted.  So forgive the brief absence, but I'll be back in action soon enough.