Musings in the Dark: Tellin’ the Truth & Shaming the Devil

9/19/2011

Tellin’ the Truth & Shaming the Devil


I'm always talking about women's issues. But I'm a woman with issues, so it's relevant. I believe that my issues are common amongst women of all races and ages and that maybe some of my readers are taking what I say to heart. I've lived long enough to garner some experience, and wisdom right along with it. So if some of you think I'm talking out of my ass, be aware of the fact that I can only write what I know and the last place I'm going to bullshit is on my blog.

Ladies, we need to quit lying to ourselves. We need to stop thinking that some of the rules of engagement don't apply to us. We have to understand that sometimes what is said is meant, and we can't construe the words to fit our idealized notions. In other words, when a man is up front with you about what he wants, listen to him and believe him. When he demonstrates what you mean to him, believe him. We cannot continue to misinterpret or romanticize our interactions with men we're involved with. We have to pay attention. We have to believe what we're seeing and hearing. It will certainly eliminate a lot of pain and aggravation later.

Some context: A friend of mine—I'll call her Lauren—was devastated that a man she loved married someone else. This is something I've experienced as well, so I'm not even trying to make light of her feelings, because I know how much she's hurting. But if Lauren's experience was anything remotely like mine, then she made more of the relationship than was actually there. She probably convinced herself that she was the only one and that every little thing he did was significant. The time they spent together was precious for her, but it wasn't that for him. While messing around with her, he was seriously courting a woman he wanted to marry. Now there's a lot that can be inferred about a man who has both a jump-off and a fiancĂ©e, but that's irrelevant here. The point is that I'm sure old boy demonstrated in many ways that he wasn't serious about Lauren, whether he was verbally honest about it or not.

I know that was the same with my situation. But I, being thoroughly infatuated with the man, ignored all the clues because I believed that he wasn't going to find a better match than me. When I learned—through a mutual acquaintance—that he got married, I was distraught. It was a blow to my womanhood, self-esteem, sexuality, everything. I had to slink off to lick my wounds. For a very long time, I couldn't understand what it was about her that made her wife-worthy. But when I healed and looked back on the experience with clarity, I realized that I'd romanticized our interactions and made them more than what they were. I recalled that the times we spent together were at his convenience, not mine. It was all there; I just refused to see it for what it was. The irony is that almost 12 years have passed and he and I are really good friends, and have been for some time.

So I can relate to Lauren's pain. She didn't own up to specifics, and I'm sure that's because she's raw on the inside. I hope that she takes time to deal with her pain and rage and allow it to dissipate on its own. I certainly hope that she does not feed those negative emotions. And I hope that when she's clear-headed, she'll look back on this event and see where it was she went wrong. It's easy to blame the guy; women do that so effortlessly that it's second nature (and that is something else we've gotta stop doing), but it's more cathartic and honest to also put the blame where it truly belongs. I'm sure the signs were there, but Lauren chose not to heed them, and her heart broke as a result.

So ladies, I caution you: when a man shows you the real him, believe him. If he says, "I'm not looking for anything serious," believe it. If he says he's dating other people, know that doesn't mean that your pussy is good enough to make him exclusive to you. If he only wants to see you at night, or in places where he won't run into people he knows, then know that means you aren't important enough to be seen with him when it matters. Pay attention, be mindful, and be honest. Protect yourself, your heart and your mind. If a guy really wants to be with you and is serious about you, then you will not have to wonder. You will know.

3 comments:

  1. f he says, "I'm not looking for anything serious," believe it. If he says he's dating other people, know that doesn't mean that your pussy is good enough to make him exclusive to you. If he only wants to see you at night, or in places where he won't run into people he knows, then know that means you aren't important enough to be seen with him when it matters.

    Telling the truth and shaming the devil indeed!

    I feel for your friend; it's going to be a looooooong while before she's happy again.

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  2. [passes the collection plate]

    I think another problem is that the media is so inundated with stories of how the guy is misunderstood or a bad boy or whatever and the love of a good woman changes his ways. He suddenly realizes what a good woman he has and treasures her. And while that's sweet in the land of make believe, reality doesn't work that way.

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  3. @Denny: That is another "scenario" that I'm sick of. It's played out; has been since the 80s, far as I'm concerned. It's not real, at least it isn't in my world. Sometimes the bad boy remains bad in spite of the woman's love. Sometimes a good man has to put up with a bad woman because he loves her. This is the life we're familiar with, and I'm sure we all know someone in either or both of these scenarios.

    Thanks for visiting me in the Dark...

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