Recently, I went out on a date with a nice guy who I’ll call Jerry. I met Jerry through a mutual acquaintance. He’s handsome, cultured and educated; a great conversationalist and knowledgeable about a lot of things. He’s a gentleman of the first order; respectful, kind, courteous and complimentary. Naturally, we hit it off. He appealed to me in a way that Mr. Passive and the Handyman didn’t.
Jerry and I had two outings; both of which were initiated by me. I didn’t mind this; as I clearly had control of the situation from the beginning (I had his number, but he didn’t have mine). But during our second outing (coffee at Starbucks), his interest was obvious. Mine was too, but I’m extremely wary about showing my hand. You have to know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em; you should always hold them early on. As I was dazzling (and being dazzled by) him, he asked me some very pointed questions:
1. What are you looking for?
2. Do you want to have children?
3. What do I have to do (to win my heart)?
I respect the fact that he was up front about what he wanted, and I respected him by answering. I told him that I wasn’t really looking for anything. I also let him know my basic requirements of what kind of man should be interested in courting me. I told him that I didn’t want children and had absolutely no interest in being a mother, and I told him why. I also added that I wanted to see the world and am already making plans to move out of the country sometime next year. And when he asked me what did he have to do to win my heart, I told him that as a grown man, he’d figure it out. I’d already given him the baseline information he needed, but when it comes to courtship, I’m not about to tell anyone how to go about it to get me.
Men are natural predators; the instinct to hunt or pursue prey is hardwired into their brains. When it comes to dating women, that imperative is no different. Women shouldn’t make it easy for a man to have them. If he hasn’t put a lick of effort into winning your heart, then he’s not going to respect it because he hasn’t had to work for it. He won’t cherish it and protect it because he hasn’t had to invest time or effort into it. Why should he? You’ve already shown your hand.
A lot of men I happen to know think that if she’ll give it up that easy to me, she’ll do it for any other man that comes along. But if he’s had to put on a pair of sneaks and chase you down for any significant amount of time, he’s not trying to let you go. His decision to pursue you has come at a cost he’s willing to pay. I know; some of you are thinking, “We can’t win for losing.” But you can, if you know your worth and what you are willing to tolerate and refuse to settle for anything less than that. It’s the same principle as spoiling a child. Kids don’t take care of anything they haven’t had to work for. Men don’t either, and yes, it works both ways.
In a discussion over At the Bar, I stated that I don’t date because I have a hard time believing what a guy says to me. The sheer decline of quality partners makes it hard for a woman like me. So many women have made it easy for men that they expect for every woman to make things easy. They’ve mastered the art of saying what they think are all the right things to make a woman want to be boo’ed up by the second or third date…or that takes the shortest amount of time to get some nooky.
Jerry told me that while he understands the culture from which he hails, he doesn’t embrace every aspect of it. While that makes sense, I am of the belief that it does not apply to a significant feature of his culture; that of the role of the woman in a relationship. I’m convinced that he was saying it because he thought it would please me to think that he had no interest in trying to corral me into a role that does not suit me at all. I have no proof of this other than my gut instinct calling bullshit on it.
My last outing with Jerry was last week. I haven’t heard from him since then, not even a text message. I’m not upset about this. While I have no doubt that he is/was interested in me, he realized that we didn’t have the same goals and there’s no point wasting time in being with someone who doesn’t share the same objectives. He wants a family. I don’t. He’s ready to settle down. I’m ready to shake things up. He comes from a culture with very traditional roles. I’m not trying to hear that shit.
I know some of you are probably wondering why I let a man with Jerry’s appeal get away, especially when I pontificate about how hard it is to move my interest thermostat. That maybe my expectations are unrealistic and rigid. That maybe being with Jerry will change my mind about settling down. My answers are, in order: (1) It’s a waste of time because we don’t have common objectives. (2) My expectations are not unrealistic; I will not settle for anything less than I deserve, and if I have to wait for it, I have no problems doing so. (3) I’m a grown woman. I know exactly what I want and don’t want, and settling down isn’t something I’m willing to compromise on; I don’t give a damn how appealing a man is. Being anchored and/or trapped scares the hell out of me.
So it’s best that Jerry and I go our separate ways, unless he is willing to relinquish his own standards to have a woman as fabulous as me in his life. Considering that a lot of men feel that they don’t have to, I doubt it.
