Musings in the Dark: I Guess I’m Just Mean Then…


I Guess I’m Just Mean Then…

A couple of weeks ago, my brother was moving some furniture with his brother-in-law and friend in my house.  The brother-in-law (let’s call him Mark) has been trying to get at me for quite some time.  He’s not my type, and more importantly, he doesn’t move the thermostat.  I’ve always been courteous to Mark because he’s family by extension, and the only reason why I know he’s been trying to get at me is because my brother laughs about it.  I know my brother well enough to know that the following “transcript,” though my words, are an accurate representation of the conversations that take place between them whenever my name comes up.

Mark:  “Hook me up with yo’ sister.”
Brother:  “Fuck no, nigga.”
Mark:  “She just what I need.”
Brother:  “Nigga please.  Yo’ ass ain’t even in my sister’s league.  You can’t keep no job, you ain’t got yo’ own place, and you ain’t got nothin’ to offer her.”
Mark:  “I can give her what she need.”
Brother:  “Yo’ broke ass don’t even know what that is.  You can’t pay none of her bills.  She got fuckin’ standards.”

Now being my brother, he’s always been protective of me and has shielded me from guys, especially ones he knows.  Not so cool when I was in school, but I do appreciate the loyalty.  My brother knows who and what I am, and he’s not afraid to let other guys know that they can’t hang.  For the record, I don’t need my brother to run interference because we’re not in high school anymore.  I can handle the riff-raff.

This is what I know for a fact about Mark:  1. He has a criminal record.  2.  He’s got a kid.  3.  His employment record is spotty.  4.  He lives with his parents.  5.  He’s in his early 40s.  We ain’t got shit in common.  While I think he’s cool in terms of his relationship to my brother, there ain’t no way on God’s green earth that I would ever even consider considering going out with him.  We don’t bring the same weight to the table.  That’s what the Bible calls “unequally yoked” and what I call “No-fucking-way.”  I will not support a grown-ass man with a kid that ain’t mine who may or may not work and ain’t got a place to call his own (he for damn sure can’t stay with me).  Sadly, I know a lot of women who would take him with all his flaws simply because he has a penis and they’re sick of being lonely (and he has had plenty of girlfriends and even a fiancée once).  But I digress.

Now while Mark and I have never had any chats close to discussing this (our “conversations” consist mostly of “Hey, how you doin’.  Fine, you?”), I’ve been told by my brother that he describes me as being “mean as hell.”  When I ask why that is, especially since he doesn’t really know me and I’ve never been anything but polite, my brother says it’s because I won’t give him any play.  Doesn’t make a lick of sense, does it?  I’m mean because my brother considers Mark below my standards.  Mind you, Mark has never heard me say anything of the sort; he hears this from my brother.  But I get painted as being mean. 

This sort of delineation isn’t new or exclusive to me.  Men who want women they can’t get deal with their rejection by projecting their anger onto said women.  They soothe their bruised egos by insulting the object of their desire (whether or not she knows they exist).  Hence you hear some men calling women everything but a child of God, including but not limited to, “She’s a whore, she hates men, she’s a lesbian, she’s an angry (black) bitch, she’s stuck-up…she’s mean.”  It makes them feel better about themselves to insist that the problem isn’t with them, it’s with the woman. 

Now I will say this, and followers of the Dark already know it, Mark is absolutely beneath my considerable standards.  My life and comfort level speak for themselves, and any man worth his salt knows what the bottom line is before I even open my mouth.  But I’m not callous enough to rub something like this in any man’s face.  Mark’s issues are his own.  I suppose the fear of getting shut down quick, fast and in a hurry has paralyzed him enough that he’d prefer to think of it as me being “mean as hell” rather than deal with his own inadequacies.  He knows that everything my brother says about him in relationship to me are dead-ass right.  He knows he doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell in getting my attention, but the point is that he doesn’t know for sure because he has never tried to talk to me like a real man should.  I’m sure he knows that he really can’t step within my sphere and that is why he never tried, but as long as it’s my fault and not his, he can live with it.

Women have gotten the short end of the stick since Lilith left Eden and Eve took up with the serpent.  If insulting me helps Mark to sleep at night, I’m fine with it.  I don’t mind being the villain, especially when I sleep even better than he does. I guess I am just mean then.  


  1. Exactly what does "Mark" think he can offer you? Dick? Because that's all I hear when men talk that "give her what she needs" shit.

    You don't need a calculator do the math on this one. 1) You have your own house, he lives at his parents'. 2) You're an educated professional, he's broke.

    Mm-hm. That is some infuriating shit right there. What does he really think he can do for you?

  2. A semi-hard dick (and I'm being generous here) is what he thinks I need, and that's exactly what my brother thinks he thinks. When truth be told, Mark really doesn't have a fucking clue as to how to go about getting a woman like me because it requires an intensive period of self-examination and dedication to self-improvement. He's too lazy to do that.

    Back to the sex: I doubt he could please me even if I drew him a road map to my orgasm. For me to even get remotely horny, I gotta know the mortgage is paid, as is my car note and the utilities, and I'd like for there to be at least some turkey and cheese in the fridge to make a sandwich later. Mark can't provide me that kind of protection, which makes anything between us impossible. It's not dick I need. It's security. Am I safe with you? No? Then I can't be with you. It's as simple as that.

    Men who think like Mark believe that all women like us really need is dick good enough to make us overlook that fucking laundry list of unacceptable attributes and move his ass into our homes. That just because we're alone means we're lonely and we'll lower our standards for the first man who makes a pass at us. Even if he can't provide us a secure existence.

    Um, no. You can head to Starship or the Hustler Playhouse and find a better, harder dick that won't cause you pain, stress or frustration later. Or talk back. Mark's had marginal success with women in the past, women who don't necessarily have my standards, but those relationships haven't worked out because they have to pull his weight. His last girl, his fiancee, broke up with him because she got tired of taking care of him. She knew that going in, but she was lonely and desperate. So she has to own that. Me? I know better. Hell with that shit.

    I need to address the security issue in a post. Thanks Ankh!

  3. Mark is a damn fool. Is he black by any chance? I don’t know if men are like this no matter what their race is or not, but I get this shit from black men all the damn time. I am Antiguan, so my interactions have 99.99% of the time been with black men, that is why I was asking. It fascinates me to no end how quick they are to call you a WHORE based on the simple fact that hell will freeze over a million times first, before you give them the time of day. Sad, so sad.

    I admit that I have been a fool in the past. But I have learned my lesson very well. I am just like you now Amaya. I know exactly what I want, so when it comes to men; they don’t move my thermostat. Sometimes I wonder if I am being too hard on them. But then I remember that it was lowering my standards and having low expectations is what got me hurt in the first place.

    So cheers to us Amaya and the one that will move our thermostat.

    A little side note: I have been reading your fanfics and they are so hot girl.

  4. Yes, he is. I have dealt with this same shit from brothas in the past.

    Sometimes I wonder if I am being too hard on them.

    Fuck, no. Settling won't do anything except make your life miserable. I don't have to tell you that; you know it already.

    *raises a glass of Moscato* Cheers, baby. I'm lovin' life right now. Happy being the villain.

    Thanks so much! I'm so glad you're enjoying them. It will probably be a long time before I write any more fanfic.

  5. Rashida>>I don't bother to give a moments thought on an emotionally immature male such as that.


    I guess I am being mean.

  6. I admit that back in the day, when I say hello to a woman, and she responded with a hint of an attitude or doesn't respond at all, I would feel disrespected. But looking back along with some reading and listening, I realize that it's harder for women than men care to realize.

    It's part of the matrix of masculinity that can take away a man's sense of respect and esteem. Some men fill that void with sex, and if they can't get it, it's the woman's fault. It makes no sense, but one thing privilege has taught me is that privilege presents reason.

  7. Leo Princess4/22/12, 1:02 PM

    Why do some people believe that sex is all they need to bring to the table. I say 'some people' because there are also women out there who seem to think they have a vagina crafted by the gods. >_> Nowadays, you can literally buy dick and vagina without a live and useless human being attached, so why should anyone put up with anyone solely for sex?


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