An Ode to Cheese… (1/5)

I’m a fan of the SyFy network for many reasons (one being I’m a science fiction/fantasy nerd), but the main incentive for why I tune in is its low-budget cheesy flix. These are C- and D-grade movies.  The acting is dreadful, the F/X horrific, the plot premises complete and utter bullshit, and the scripts atrocious.  Yet, in this sea of limburger, one can find nuggets of brie.  I have spent many a happy weekend immersed in SyFy cheese, and have even gone so far as to Netflix some of these films just to have the pleasure of watching them during long droughts when SyFy wants to upgrade their lineup and show some actual movies. 

A side note:  SyFy’s craptastic films cover all genres, but I nearly piss myself whenever they have a sea creature weekend.  I especially adore these movies and I believe that they are the network’s crowning achievements.  The following are, IMHO, the five greatest movies of all time (under the aforementioned criteria):

1.     Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

2.    Frankenfish

3.    Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus

4.    Sharktopus

5.    Mega Python vs. Gatoroid

Notice a trend in the titles?

I shall begin my elegy with the greatest movie ever made: Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus

It is a travesty that this
brilliant film hasn't been
nominated for an Oscar.

This is the best SyFy flick I’ve ever seen.  Starring powerhouse actors Lorenzo Lamas & Deborah Gibson, this is a marvelously flawed tale of millennia-old mortal enemies (the megalodon & the octopus; not Gibson and Lamas, in case you were wondering).  They were frozen in combat 80,000,000 years ago and woke up ready to swing (said scene is snot-inducing from laughing so hard).  These ferocious creatures continue their epic battle on a worldwide scale and it is up to our plucky marine biologist (Gibson) and our gruff government mercenary (Lamas) to keep the colossal sea beasties from destroying civilization.

Highlights of this fantastic cheese brick include the megalodon leaping 30,000 feet into the air to eat a 747, and taking an enormous bite out of the Golden Gate Bridge.  The octopus is no less spectacular.  It bitch-slaps an F-18 (or F-14 orF-22; the type of plane changes as soon as you blink) out of the air and destroys the same oil rig twice.  An Iowa-class battleship majestically fires its guns in an attempt to kill the giant shark, even though the guns aren't facing in the direction of the megalodon.  There is an intense scene where a trio of intrepid scientists (including the-*cough*-lovely Debbie) spends hours and hours mixing chemicals in a lab for no apparent reason.  They have the goofiest expressions on their faces while making what appears to be Kool-Aid: “We’re doing science!” the expressions say. 

The best line in the movie comes from our dear Ms. Gibson, who wakes up out of a random dream to say to an unenraptured audience: “Thrilla in Manila!”  Never fails to elicit paroxysms of laughter coupled with tears of joy.

I’ve watched this movie at least 10 times.  You can stream it on Netflix or rent the DVD, if you are so inclined.  This is a masterpiece of modern cinema.  Five fucking stars, man.  FIVE!!!  And two thumbs up.

Next up:  Frankenfish