Musings in the Dark: Hard



Something that has been made clear—painfully so—is that when I feel something, I feel it hard.  When I’m happy, I’m really happy.  When I’m hurting, I feel like dying.  When I’m angry—it’s rage.   When I’m sad, I’m depressed.  All a result of my mild imbalance, but there all the same.  So when I love—I love hard. To a small group of loved ones, I am loyal to the core.  Need a piece of change; I got you.  Need a quick/fast/in a hurry babysitter; I’m there.  Need help with a beatdown; I’m rolling up my sleeves.  If you need me and you’re someone I love, there is nothing I won’t do for you.

I’ve said in previous posts that I regularly come across guys who—while nice—don’t move the thermostat.  There’s something so bland about the situation that I instantly forget it and move on.  It’s not that I don’t want a nice guy.  I need something more, something hard.

So I guess if and when I come across the right guy who moves my ‘stat, I’m sure I’ll know a few things:  He’ll be strong enough, loyal enough and hard enough to handle me.  He has to be; I can’t be bothered with anything less.  He won’t be someone I can walk over or ignore; nor I, he.  It’ll definitely be chess, not checkers.  It’ll be war, Mr. & Mrs. Smith style; just without the weapons.  We’ll probably come out of it heads (metaphorically) bloodied but unbowed…and tighter than a pair of skinny jeans on a fat girl.

I love hard.  He needs to do the same.  We’ll clash because we have so much in common.  Probably fight like Ike and Tina (except I’m not getting my ass beat.  Spanked is another thing entirely *wink* :D)  But then the makeup will be equally explosive; like Sid and Nancy (without the heroin).  I laugh hard; to the point of tears, hitches and belly-aches.  He needs to have that ability.  There is no length I won’t go to make him happy, and I expect reciprocity.  I deserve that.

I know couples who live a passionless life, and have been told that their love lives are fairly indifferent.  The lives of married people confuse me, but I digress.  I suppose because I run hot, I’m incapable of being in a dispassionate relationship.  This is perhaps the reason why none of my previous relationships lasted longer than six months.  I dated nice guys, good men, respectable men, but there was something anesthetizing about our connections.  Nothing got my blood up, and that was a problem.  That’s when the thermostat analogy first reared its head. 

Time has passed and I understand better the nature of my passion.  I can’t handle being with a guy that registers nothing more than lukewarm.  But at least I recognize it and won’t waste his or my time.  When I come across what appears to be interesting men, I’m paying all kinds of attention to see if the ‘stat moves.  It hasn’t happened yet, but I’m convinced it will.  I love hard, and I won’t settle for less.

I’m sure I’m not the only one.


  1. Amaya this post really spoke to me. I was married to a 'lukewarm' man, and it was a complete disaster. I felt like I was drowning in that marriage. He was 'safe' and at the time I thought that was what I wanted.

    I love men who are passionate, sexual and creative. I want a man that inspires. A man that I can create with. Someone who fuckin' gets it.

    I love your blog. I could live here.

  2. Hey! Thanks so much; you are welcome to come hang out in the Dark any time you please! I appreciate the support and knowing that I'm not alone in my weirdness (though there isn't a damn thing wrong or weird with knowing who you are).

    I think if more women took the time to understand their natures, it would make them think twice about the kinds of relationships they enter. Some women need safe men, but I'm not one of them.

    I love men who are passionate, sexual and creative. I want a man that inspires. A man that I can create with. Someone who fuckin' gets it.

    This right here is EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN!!!! Trust and believe, I'm willing to wait for that.

  3. Hiya Amaya,
    Longtime lurker and fan.
    This post completely registered with me too. i am exactly the same. not willing to settle for anything less than the thermostat exploding! I too have had 2 great longterm relationships that just fizzled out because the men couldn't match my fire and and passion in and out of the bedroom. I need intelligence and passion. And the big thing that word you mentioned in your post- reciprocity. it is something that is all too lacking for black women in relationships! we deserve the best and I'm prepared to keep waiting until I feel it! xxxxx
    You are amazing <3 <3

  4. Thank you, Jellybean14! So glad you de-lurked. Welcome to the Dark!

    Yes indeed, I will wait. Sistahs sell themselves short all the time looking to be boo'ed up just for the sake of having someone in their lives, instead of waiting for someone who meets them at their level. I can't be bothered with bullshit. I don't want a love I can live with; I'd much rather have a love I can't live without.


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