Musings in the Dark: Rediscovering Sexy (2)


Rediscovering Sexy (2)

Sometimes women get so caught up in their day to day lives that they push their femininity aside.  I mentioned this in previous posts (Rediscovering Sexy & Selfish Bitch? I Don’t Think So!).  I am guilty of having done the same; or rather, it was a matter of choice in order to do what I had to do.

To provide a frame of reference, the period of December 2006 through April 2010 was the darkest time of my life.  I was at my absolute lowest, physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.  I was a caregiver, and I’d stripped away every aspect of myself in order to see my mother through her last few years.  During that time, I was a ghost, a shell, almost insubstantial, and the only reminder that I was a girl was that monthly bitch.  And then after my mother passed on, I went into a deep depression because there was a giant hole in my life I didn’t know how to fill.  People who’d never experienced such heartache were quick to think that a boyfriend would repair the damage.  I knew better than to make that mistake.

Anyhoo, I refer to that period in my life as Emo Hell.  Fast forward to now and you will encounter a woman who is nothing like the one from that time.  I took care of the inside first, got grief counseling and allowed my heart to heal.  Then I went searching for the woman that had gotten lost, and I found her in the strangest of places: a pole dancing class.  This was in 2009.  I’ve been poling for two years now and it is something I do for myself.  I love it, love it, love it, and it has given me a new appreciation for my body and my femininity.    

For those of you who want to make a self-righteous leap, I must clarify: women who pole aren’t strippers.  Most strippers can’t pole, and most polers can’t strip.  They ARE NOT mutually inclusive.

What the class did for me: improved my posture and gave me a better awareness of how I move in my personal space.  I’m far more confident than I used to be and it radiates from within.  I’m more flexible and in better shape; I’ve lost 12 pounds and three inches from my waist.  The class encourages us to caress our bodies and love ourselves.  We’re encouraged to adopt sexy personas and stage names (though none of us are in this course to get ready for the stage; it’s not that kind of class).  We learn basic pole and floor work and we move at our own pace.  We don’t judge one another and we encourage each other.  Every four weeks or so, we have recitals where we put together a routine and carry it out.  Amateur poling gives one a whole new respect for the women who do it for a living.  Those women are true athletes and I dare someone to try their luck at the fireball, the parachute, the martini girl or the backhook and say differently.  I have mastered a few basic moves and I have a goal: to climb the pole before the year is out.

Another thing that the class has brought out is the desire to wear sexy things in private, for myself.  I’ve purchased stockings, fishnets, stilettos, platform heels, hot pants and things of that nature.  With the encouragement of my dear friend Noob, I’ve eschewed my big comfy T-shirts and pajama bottoms for silk and lace sleepwear.  I’ve thrown out most of my sensible cotton underthings and purchased pretty girly panties.  I’m now wearing perfume and have become acutely aware of how I present myself to the world.  Noob calls it “taking the pussy for a stroll.”  Every woman should do it because it feels good.  Any man that I invite into my life now will reap the benefits of the things I'm doing for love of me.  

Bit by bit, I’m rediscovering my sexy, and there's yet another level that I'm trying to get to.  Each layer revealed is another layer of freedom.  Knowing that I’ve served my main purpose and saw my parents through their final years—alone, for the most part—releases me to be who I really am and enjoy my life free from the stultifying strictures of what others think my life should be.


  1. Are you taking classes with PoleLaTeaz studios? I find it highly coincidental that they have studios in both Atlanta and Houston.

    I'm going to register with our location in about 2-3 weeks.

  2. No, I'm with KatKalls. I think I've heard of them before, and my suggestion? Sign up WITH THE QUICKNESS!!!! You're going to love it, I promise.

    Go to find shoes. The pros wear Pleasers; they have a built-in cushion that protects your feet. You can find Pleasers on Amazon as well, and sometimes for lower prices. For your height, I'd recommend a 5" heel.


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