Musings in the Dark: Selfish Bitch? I Don’t Think So!


Selfish Bitch? I Don’t Think So!

This is an amended reply to a discussion thread on

When asked if I have children, my answer is, “I don’t want to have kids.”  Typically, the response to my response is, “You’ll change your mind.”

Let me be clear about this:  I have no desire to be a mother. I love the freedom of being single and kid-free. I love being able to do anything and everything I want without having to put others first. I love being free I have done my part and served my time caring for others and I do not feel that I have to devote the rest of my life (and any parent who tells you that you only have to put 18 years into raising a child is full of shit) to taking care of anyone else other than me. I don't give a fuck how that makes me sound.  Plenty of people—women, usually—will call me selfish for my refusal to reproduce.  I don’t think so.  I call it being responsible.

The people who are quick to tell me that I'll change my mind, or that a "good man" will make me want a family, are typically mothers who are unhappy and regret having children. The whole subtext about the "good man" changing my mind annoys the shit out of me. Like he matters in the grand scheme of things. Fatherhood isn't motherhood, and there ain’t a man alive who can talk me into carrying a child and going through hours of grueling labor while his ass sits back and waits for the result. Fuck that.

I happen to believe that women who know themselves and live their lives on their own terms scares other women. Perhaps it's because we find our security in other places and not in the anchor of motherhood.  That having kids isn't the pretty the media makes it out to be. From my viewpoint, motherhood is a messy, expensive, tiresome and thankless job.  I’m sure a lot of women will disagree with this assessment and call me selfish for not wanting to extend myself in that direction.  But I don’t think so.  I call it a smart decision.

A lot of the ladies I know who are mothers have lost their womanhood in the midst of motherhood. It's like they've forgotten that they were women first. They're scared to acknowledge it because they're afraid others may believe that they aren't good mothers. Some think that they'll become women again when the kids are grown. But as I've always been told, "if you don't use it, you'll lose it." Now that scares me.  When it comes to retaining my womanhood, you best believe I’m selfish.

I don't want to be a mother and I won't change my mind about it. Every woman is not meant to become a parent, and this world would be a far better place if they realize it. It pisses me off when other women try to force that shoe on my foot, as if they think I’m not an adult and can’t make my own decisions.  As if I don’t know what I want.  I ought to know that better than anybody.  


  1. *applauds* Brava!

    I happen to believe that women who know themselves and live their lives on their own terms scares other women. Perhaps it's because we find our security in other places and not in the anchor of motherhood. That having kids isn't the pretty the media makes it out to be.

    This. I think a lot of women draw massive validation from "being queen for a day" and having everyone ask them if it's a girl or a boy, what names they've picked, and what they want for their baby shower.

    But what a lot of women seem to forget as that these same people encouraging and flattering them will not be there to change diapers, or pay medical costs, or raise the child overall. They won't be there to answer CPS's questions, and they won't be there if daddy decides to call it quits and bails.

  2. As one who made the decision to reproduce, I echo Ankhesen's Brava! It is your choice and one that should never be made for a woman by another person, male or female, or by social custom or pressure.

    The time, energy, emotional and financial investments involved with a child are enormous and never-ending for the rest of your life unless you are the cold, heartless sort that does not care about other human beings.

    I chose to have my child when I was in my early thirties, the result of a well-thought-out plan and a stable relationship. It was what I wanted and had either of us said 'no,' it would not have happened. For me, it was the right decision, but again, it was my choice.

    Shame on those who have said otherwise to you. If you don't want children, if you cannot go into the process knowing that it's forever, knowing that it is truly what you want, then you have made the the responsible decision, right and proper decision for yourself.

    I know at least two women who have had to deal with unexpected grandbabies because their own teenage daughters were looking for the missing love, absolute approval and security that neither momma or daddy, who was gone, was able to provide. That's at least two generations of women hurting themselves and their children for no good reason. Both of these babies are girls, so it's probably going to end up being three generations.

    Many of my friends have made the same decision that you have and for the same kinds of reasons that you have. And it is so, absolutely, the right one.

    Good for you. I really wish more women would have the integrity to do the same.


  3. We have to speak up for ourselves! Teen girls who are being misled need to understand and see healthy options outside of having a family so early, or not at all. That it is ok to be single and your life is not defined by who you marry and how many kids you can pop out. I am in no hurry to be miserable or lost in the sea of daily motherhood.

    Thanks for stopping by.

  4. Mseluvintrek2/1/11, 2:14 PM

    I totally agree with your assessment of your CHOICE to be someone's mother. I'm a mother, it was something I alwAys wanted to do. But it's not for everyone. I was also a caregiver for my mother for most of my life. The only thing that scared me was the thought of being both at the same time. Not saying you're scared, but I was. The thing I don't get is why people get so angry when others make independent choices. It's your uterus use it the way you see fit! Motherhood is a sacrifice & don't let anyone tell anybody different. People start making those kinds of choices for others, we might as well go back to outlawing birth control. No ma'am!

    Independence is the right & ability to choose.

  5. I was a caregiver for 20 years; it began when I was a teenager and really began to understand what it meant to have older parents. When my mother died and my grief subsided, I learned what it meant to be free. I mean, really FREE!

    So I know it would be a mistake for me to become a parent. Since my mother passed, I have become deliciously and rebelliously unreliable, and it is AWESOME! I wouldn't give that up for anything, and I sure as hell wouldn't subject a child to my newly-discovered whimsical behavior. It wouldn't be fair.

    Besides, I'm totally fine with being a superior Auntie. It's a decision I can live with.


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