Fear of a Black Planet

**Author’s note:  The quotes contained herein are taken word for word from the emails I received.  They have not been altered except for the deletion of names and other potentially identifying factors.  I promise you, I could not make this shit up and I'm an author.

The title of this post is eponymous with Public Enemy’s 1990 classic, but it’s merely a stylistic choice. Last week, I joined Black Planet, which is a variation of Match.com or EHarmony, but as the title implies, it’s for black people.  This isn’t to say that it’s exclusive to black folk; there are plenty of other races people on BP looking to hookup/meet/date/marry a person of color.  But I digress.

I joined BP out of sheer boredom; I’m spending a great deal of time staring at a bunch of numbers and statistics have been known to lead people astray.  I’d been warned about BP from my bestie, but I knew I wasn’t looking for anything serious and I thought it would be okay.  I was bored.  What I learned from that six-day experiment was that I have absolutely no patience when it comes to this sort of thing, which is why I never did it in the first place.

People lie, especially on the ‘net.  You can be anything or anyone you want to be and no one will ever know the truth.  So when doing something like this, be up front about what you’re looking for and don’t deviate from that, and know that you don’t have to be polite or courteous, and you shouldn’t respond to everybody.  Having said that, with the exception of my screen name, I was perfectly honest about everything.  I’m grown and I have no reason to lie, especially to a stranger.  I stated in my profile that I wasn’t looking to get married or boo’ed up and in spite of this, I kept getting the same introductory messages.  I started to wonder if BP had a list of conversation starters because each guy literally asked the exact same thing in the exact same order. 

"Ok, for my questions to you. What are some of your goals, hopes and dreams? Are  you really single and why are you single? How long have you been single? Do you have any brothers or sisters? Do you have any kids? If yes, How  many? cos i love kids and i like to play and be with them. Would you  like to have more Kids? What do you do for a living? How old are you  really? What makes you upset? What makes you happy? What do you expect from your Partner? How do you handle conflict in a relationship? What do you look for in a Relationship? If there is  something you want to say but you think you might be rambling or it is  not important, it is ok, to me it is important."

?????????????

As you can see, the grammar is horrible; everything is smashed together without indentation or paragraph breaks, and most of them clearly never heard of periods because the sentences ran on so much I broke out my sneaks.  I’m not a grammar Nazi, but this shit was ridiculous.  I don’t expect for everyone to have the same command of the language as I do, but I need to be able to carry on some semblance of conversation.

Example:

"Hello Cutie,            To start telling you more about me_i am 6'0" tall with a Brown eyes, i do not smoke and i do not drink alcohol,i am a very good looking gentle man of 41 and i will be 42 by Dec 20th years Im into a Construction  business for the Past 10 years and i do  travel within  the regions to Construct and i would be willing to married to a wonderful woman whether she has Kids or not or not willing to have more Kids am still okay just wanna be happy together with my woman for the rest of our life together...I lost my Dad when i was Ten (31)...My Religion is Christian.I ’ am Easy Going, Adventurous, Romantic, Ambitious and have a very good sense of humor."

In spite of me saying up front that I didn’t want anything serious, I kept getting messages like this:

"I have been burnt so Bad. My last relationship ended on a very sad note for me but I do not believe in regrets. I tell you this because I cannot predict the future. I have never been married, but it would be a very great thing in my  life to get married because i do believe there is someone special out  there for everyone. I don't believe in Divorce, I only want to get  married once and when I do get married, i want it to be for better for worse... and forever. I would love to know the basics about you.... Well, I am really  serious about you and interested in getting to know you . I will be  waiting for your Calm and Humble reply."

And this:

"What I am looking for is someone who will get to know me ,who will love me forever and be there for me ,who is willing to merge her soul with mine to result in what is called fate then later merge her heart with mine and that will be marriage.And then I get to live with her in his humble abode for ever and start a family > with.I am single and I am looking for someone who understands love and know what love is."

Mind you, these are introductory emails, as in them being the very first sent to me.  And then I got some from men who were from the United States but “in Nigeria on business taking care of their sick mom”

"Currently i am in Africa on a short visit for building a company for the federal Governmet of Nigeria i am also here in Nigeria to come take care of ma sick Mom in a Hospital here as well,But I will be returning back very soon."

I got about three of these, and the wording was precise. It was always a building engineer or construction analyst, it was always Nigeria, and it was always a sick mother.  In fact, the phrasing was so specific that my Spidey senses tingled.  Now having been a caregiver, I begrudge no one who is doing the same.  But what I don’t like is someone using an ailing mother with breast cancer as a ploy for sympathy or pussy points.  My best friend, who spent some time navigating the bullshit-infested waters of Black Planet, told me that it was a known fact (on BP forums) that these men were actually Nigerian residents running scams to get an American woman to bring them into the country.  That actually explained a lot; especially this bit of chicanery:

"I always make sure to share the little that I have with someone and I'm also satisfied with whatever I 've.Also when it comes to sex/lovemaking,i think both of us should play an equal role.My woman should be able to satisfy me during love making and am not afraid to give her all what she want in love making till she is drunk with my love.To add a few I am not a racist and i am very romantic.I will go to where ever and who ever i find to be my soul mate.I love always being around my woman and letting her know how much i love her through my physical touch on her body with my sensitive parts."

I mean, do women actually fall for shit like this?  After I picked myself up off the floor, I gave it a great deal of thought.  A lot of women are desperate for love & companionship.  Their self-esteem is so low that they will fall  for stuff like this and embark upon something that will ultimately lead to disaster. There are reasons sites like BP, Match.com & EHarmony are so damned successful.  I know you guys are probably wondering, “Amaya, what in the hell were you doing on a site like this anyway?”  The answer is boredom, but it soon turned to annoyance.  One dude got mad and called me out of my name because I wasn’t responding to the IM fast enough, another guy wanted me to drive to NC so he could “nut all over my breasts,” and another wanted to know how big my “things” were.  One individual told me that he could tell I was a “beautiful, caring, sensitive ‘Queen’” based on my profile pic.  Note: I was wearing one of my Mardi Gras masks in said pic. 

Needless to say, I got tired of all of this crap quick, fast and in a hurry and deleted my account.  I simply lack the patience to deal with such inane infantile chatter—it can’t even be qualified as conversation.  My bestie, in spite of having dealt with BP drama, encouraged me to keep the account and wade through the garbage to find someone worthy of conversation (because they do exist), but it just isn’t worth it to waste the time.  But as with most things that happen to me nowadays, the experience served to be nothing more than blog fodder.  I certainly hope you get as much amusement out of reading those quotes as I eventually did.