This entry deals
with the third greatest film of all time:
Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, starring Jaleel White (b.k.a Steve Urkel). This wonderful little chunk of cheddar brings
back the megalodon from Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. Apparently, the megalodon didn’t die along
with the cephalopod and returns in this sequel of sorts with a vengeance.
A 1500-ft
crocodile shows up in Africa for reasons unknown, interrupting a blood diamond
mining operation. Said croc is captured by
a "great white hunter" named Nigel Putnam in one of the most ridiculously funny sequences ever
conceptualized. There’s no way in this
galaxy that a croc that large would respond to any tranquilizer of any sort
that damn quick. How Mr. Putnam manages
to smuggle the crocodile out of Africa on a cargo ship is conveniently glossed over by a well-placed commercial.
Terry
McCormick (Jaleel White) is a naval officer and shark specialist. He invented some hydrosonic spheres designed
to attract sharks (for what reason, only God knows). While testing his equipment, he unknowingly
attracts the megalodon, who promptly destroys the warship. The croc and the shark meet up when the shark
attacks the cargo ship. The shark likes
to snack on the croc’s eggs and the croc is understandably not having any of
that shit. The remainder of the movie
revolves around McCormick and Putnam and a female government agent named Hutchinson
trying to destroy the croc and the shark.
Hutchinson is supposed to be tough and smart, but she comes off as a domineering ballbuster instead.
She’s annoying.
Highlights
of this marvelous little film:
Jaleel White’s
obvious overacting. The scene where he’s
grieving while being interrogated is side-splitting and fart-inducing. *bangs fist on table* “I need
the data!”
A stereotypical dumb blonde walking in the "jungles of Africa" in stilettos and a pencil skirt...who "has to meet with rebel leaders in two hours." She doesn't make said meeting.
The megalodon’s
supergiant dorsal fin and the fact that it roars. A roaring
shark. Really?
The annihilation
of the Panama Canal by the megalodon and the crocodile and the apparent fact
that Panamanians were okay with it.
The
crocodile destroying the American Airlines Arena where the Miami Heat play. Joker just stepped on the building. He also ate Shamu while vising Orlando. One logically assumes that Orlando and Miami are right down the street from each other.
The shark
swallows a nuclear submarine whole.
Putnam does a cartwheel in the sand while shooting a baby croc.
See this cheesy goodness for yourself:
I swear,
this fantastic little movie should have gotten nominated for at least a Golden
Globe. It is simply ridiculous that it
has been overlooked by the Academy. 3.5 gleeful stars.
**UPDATE!!** Word on the street is that there will be a third film featuring the megalodon. Said flick is entitled "Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark." *cries tears of joy* There is a God.
**UPDATE!!** Word on the street is that there will be a third film featuring the megalodon. Said flick is entitled "Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark." *cries tears of joy* There is a God.
