The End of a Love Affair (7/7)

I didn’t move when he kissed me.  I couldn’t move. I didn’t want to move.  I just stayed where I was, my body on fire in a dozen different places and my heart was pounding and my brain was screaming and my crotch was liquid fire.  I knew right then that I would not do anything to stop him kissing me.  It was as if my body was reminded that I was a woman, with a woman’s desires and a woman’s needs.  As if every cell in me was awake, alive, and screaming for a man’s attentions.  His kiss was bliss infinite and I wanted him to know I wanted it; parted my lips and invited him in.  Oh, it was nice, very nice.  I needed this, needed someone like him around me, with me.  I was aware of the fog that penetrated my brain…why someone like him?  Why not him?  And that thought persisted above all others, even after that magnificent kiss.  He pulled away first.  I think my eyes were still closed and my lips were still parted.

“Zuri,” he murmured, caressing my face.

I opened my eyes.  “Oh,” I said, smiling, blushing.

“I’m not sorry I did it,” he said, apparently thinking I was going to be angry.  I had to let him know immediately that wasn’t the case.

“I’m not either, Kit.”  I said, very slowly.  “I’m not.”  And I made sure he saw this in my eyes as well as heard it from my lips.  God, I wanted more…but his way of proceeding was so much better than mine.  Years of pent-up frustrations and unrequited love…I could want this man before me, very easily.  No.  I did want this man before me. 

He brought his knuckles to my face and kissed the tip of my nose.  “I should go.” 

Kit being the gentleman he was, I knew why he’d said such a thing.  He was aroused and I could feel it pressing into my belly.  It was completely fair; for I was horny too.  A thought fled through my mind: how long had it been since he’d had sex?  That thought did nothing to quell what was going on inside my own body.  However, he was a grown man and I’m a grown woman and I did not want Kit to leave.  I wanted him to stay.  So I didn’t let him go.  “No.”

“Zuri, I…”

“No.  I want you to stay with me.  I think we have to talk.”  I stared into those gorgeous eyes of his, suddenly and fiercely possessive of him.  “If you leave, this will be left out there and I don’t know when I’ll see you again.  I don’t want you to walk out of my house without knowing where I stand with you.  I mean, we’re standing here holding on to each other.  Don’t you feel like it needs to be addressed?”

“Zuri, are you sure?”

I kissed his lips and savored the feel of his mouth.  In seconds, his arms were around my waist and mine were around his neck.  To his credit, his hands remained on my waist, but I would not have minded if he chose to slide them down.  I needed to have my ass grabbed and my breasts felt up.  His hair, silky soft, grazed my forehead and cheeks and it made me want him more.  When I pulled away, we were both breathing a little heavier.

“Stay with me, Kit.  We’re adults; we can handle this.”

“All right.”  He sighed, smiling at me.  “I guess you see how easy it is for you to have your way with me.”

“Is it?” I teased, running my hands over his shoulders.  His body was firm and hard just the way a man’s should be and part of me just wanted to rest in him.  I was not about to let this burgeoning closeness between us be destroyed or halted.  I wanted to cement what I thought was happening and slap the cards down on the table.  Especially before Jelani woke up.   “Let’s clean the kitchen and talk.  I want to be near the baby.”  I wasn’t a bit worried about sinful transgressions.  I knew Kit Eastman would go as far as I allowed him, but a wicked part of me felt like he should be the one that was worried.  I locked up the house and he helped me straighten the kitchen, no words between us.  I got a small pitcher of ice water, juice and one glass and we went into my bedroom, mindful of my sleeping baby, who, if I had the time right, would wake up in an hour or so, demanding to be fed.

Kit stared at me as I sat the juice and water on my nightstand.  “I like to stay hydrated.  Jelani’s greedy.”

His eyes dipped to my chest.  “I would be too, if you don’t mind my being blunt.”

“I don’t.”  Then I smiled at him.  “Get comfortable.  I’m going to wash up a bit, and you can if you like.  I’m not afraid of this,” I said.  “Don’t worry that you’ll step over the line, Kit.  We’re adults.  We’re going to get in my bed and talk about this.”

He nodded.  I dipped into the bathroom to wash my face and rinse my mouth.  I put on my sleeping attire and exited the bathroom.  Kit went in behind me and I turned back the bed.  I took a long drink of water and checked on Jelani, who was sleeping peacefully.  I hoped he’d sleep for the next three hours, but I knew he wouldn’t.  I got in bed.  Kit came out of the bathroom.

 “Zuri?  Do you mind if I take off my jeans?  I, er…have on shorts under here…”

I smiled.  Boxers or briefs?  I hoped boxers.  I primly closed my eyes and he laughed softly.  I heard him unzip and wondered how he looked naked.  Probably fantastic.

I did not need to think about that.

“Zuri,” he said again.  When I opened my eyes, I saw that he wore a Marines T-shirt that just…fit…and blue boxers.  I swallowed to keep the drool in my mouth.  He got in beside me and pulled up the covers.  I turned down the lamp. 

            He was warm.  I sat up, suddenly nervous.  Kit and I were in my bed.  We were actually in bed together.  I took a deep breath and sighed.  As if sensing my consternation, he took my hand and slid his fingers through mine.  “Zuri, I want you.”

I paused, not able to halt the smile that broke across my face.  “Good.”

“I’ve wanted you for a long time.  But I thought you were in love with J_____.”

“I’ll always harbor affection for him, Kit, but I don’t love him anymore.  I have no more room in my life for uncertainty or one-sided relationships.  I need more than what J____ is able to give me.  I never thought I could walk away from him.  I wasn’t that strong.”

“You are now.  You have left.”

“Because of Jelani.  My son deserves a focused, happy mother.  I couldn’t be that if I were still stuck under J_____.”  I squeezed his hand.  “I want you too, Kit.  I don’t even know when it changed for me.  I’m tired of acting like I don’t want what other women want or have.  I want someone in my life.  I need someone in my life.  Someone who makes me feel beautiful and cherished, someone who loves me and will love my child.  I need someone I can depend on and trust to take care of me in the ways I require.  I think that it could be you, Kit.  I haven’t felt anything but that from you since we really started working together.”

He remained quiet.  I rambled on, now afraid of what he thought.  Had I assumed too much?  Oh God, please let me have guessed right!  Had I said way too much?

“Zuri,” he said, his voice quivering, “I want to be…I will be…I am…if you want me…”

“I have given you no reason to like me, Kit.  Not after my treatment of you when you were assigned to me.”

“Zuri, you were angry and upset over J___.  I understand perfectly.  And that was a long time ago.”

“And then I shut you out.  I shudder to think of what would have happened if you hadn’t tracked me down when I foolishly got myself stuck in that mess in Virginia Beach…”

“Don’t worry about it now, Zuri.  I admit, I was damned irritated that you disrespected me like that, but it doesn’t matter now.  All that is over with; it’s water under the bridge.  I’ve moved on from it and I want you to do the same.”

I squeezed his hand again.  “I do want you, Kit.  I want you in my life.”  What woman wouldn’t want a charismatic straight-from-the-hip gentleman like Kit Eastman?  Not to mention the benefits that came with him…like a great body, those eyes, his hands…masculine with a rough edge.  Kit had man’s hands…and I had to stop thinking about his hands if I expected to get anything else accomplished tonight.  “I want to be with you and see where this goes.  Can you accept the fact that I’m a mother?”

“Why wouldn’t I?  I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it?”

“Well, some men would consider a kid excess baggage.  You’re not Jelani’s father.”

“Zuri, I knew you were pregnant shortly after I started working with you.  I know you have a son, and I’m not put off by it.”  He paused for a moment.  “My son died when he was two.  He was very sick and his immune system wasn’t strong enough.  He died in my arms.  My wife and I couldn’t stay together after that and we divorced a year later.  I miss my son.  Not a day goes by when I don’t think about him.  I’d hoped to have a chance at fatherhood once more.  I never thought I’d get the chance.  I would love to love your son.”

“So you’d be okay with this?”

“Zuri, I can love Jelani as much as you’ll let me.  I was there when he was born, remember?”

My heart was light with happiness.  If Kit could accept and love my son, then he had me.  I leaned against Kit’s shoulder and took a deep breath.  He smelled so good.

“I don’t want to throw this in his face, Kit.”

He didn’t need to ask who I was referring to.  “And you think I’d do that?”

“No.  If he finds out about us, then he finds out.  But I’m not going to tell him.”

“I don’t plan to do so either, Zuri.”

I shifted, brushing my leg against his.  I wanted him fiercely.  I wanted Kit’s hands on me.  I wanted him to touch me.  I needed touching.  I needed everything, truth be told. 

“Zuri,” he said, letting go of my hand, “I need to touch you.”

“I’m a mess,” I blurted out, amazed that he’d read my mind.

“I don’t think so,” he said.  “Come and get in my lap.”

I straddled his thighs and looked at him.  I wound my fingers into his hair and slid them through the silky mass, over and over as his head pressed into my chest.  His hands moved over my back and he sniffed me.     

“Zuri, you smell so good,” he said.  He slid his fingers through my hair and sighed as he worked his way to my scalp.  I wore my hair in a natural and it was thick, kinky spirals that I didn’t bother to try and tame.  And then he was stroking my scalp and I threw my head back to allow him further access.  Then he slipped those strong fingers down the column of my neck and captured the back of my throat before spanning my upper chest and flitting across the dimple at my neck’s base.  Kit sniffed me again, then pressed his forehead in my cleavage and I sighed, my own hands coming up to cradle the back of his head and stroke his hair.

            He did it right, slow and sure, never once needing to clarify which parts of me were off limits.  He knew…after that kiss, there was no part of me denied to him.  His hands slid down my arms, to my waist, and then over the curve of my belly.  Jelani left my abdomen soft and round.  I couldn’t help but say to Kit, “I haven’t been able to completely lose all the weight from the pregnancy.”  To which he responded, “What weight?”

Kit moved his hands underneath my tank top and his eyes met mine.  In a flash, I granted approval and off my top came, sailing over the back of my head to who knew where and who cared.  My breasts were enlarged, heavy with Jelani’s milk and he just stared at them, taking one in each hand and gently massaging them.  My nipples hardened in spite of myself and I found myself unable to breathe, which lasted until he gently kissed my nipples and I let loose with a rush of warm air between my teeth.  Ah, that felt so good!  His kisses were the right amount of tender and tense and in a moment, I was breathing hard and my fingers curled into his shoulders.  “Kit,” I moaned, squirming in his lap as he occupied himself kissing my breasts. “Kit, oh God…”

“Zuri,” he whispered.  “Zuri…” He burrowed his head between my breasts and his arms came around me.  Could we really lie here in my bed and not have sex?  Was it possible that I could stop Kit from making love to me?  Did I even want him to stop?  The answer to that was a qualified no.  He could get all of this tonight if he kept on touching me.

He kissed my nipples again, and then his kisses turned into something sweeter and evocative of all the primal feelings that had lain dormant for so many years.  I gasped.  He had me and he hadn’t even gotten to the lower half of my body yet.  I moaned my delight…I couldn’t hide it and I held on to him and he held me and we were like that and I was deep in the fog when I heard my baby crying. 

“Damn it,” I hissed.  Jelani would wake up now!

I looked at Kit and even though a thin sliver of moonlight illuminated the room, I knew he was smiling.  At Jelani’s interruption, sure, but more so from what he just did to me and made me do.  I got out of bed and picked up my baby, and then got back into my nice warm bed and adjusted his head so that he could nurse.  I leaned close to Kit and he put an arm around me and the other hand on Jelani’s head.

“You know this is where it starts,” he said to me.

“What?”  I said.

“A man’s preoccupation with breasts.  This is where it begins.”

I smiled.  “You’re a wicked man.”  Then, cradling my son closer so he could hurry up and feed, I said to Kit, “Hold that thought.”

“We don’t have to rush, Zuri.  I want to take my time with you.  Take care of your baby.  I’m not going anywhere.”

“I hope not,” I said.  “Not after I just put myself out there.”

He kissed my temple.  “We’re adults, remember.  We both know what we want, and we both want this.  And this is more than sex.”

I nodded.  “Yes.  I don’t play games with my heart or body, Kit.  You wouldn’t even be in my house if I didn’t think you were worthy.”

Jelani took an inordinate amount of time to be sated and then he wanted to play.  Kit and I played with him well into the night.  When he finally went back to sleep, I put him back in the crib and got back into bed.  Kit drew me into his arms and instead of what we’d been doing earlier, we went to sleep.  That was just like him.  He wasn’t in it for the short run…he was making a major investment and he had been from the day he stopped by my house.  I just didn’t know it.  We slept together without making love and morning came and we had breakfast and played with the baby.  It was so natural and easy between us that I chided myself for my previous blindness.  That first night was the beginning of a beautiful thing for both of us.  And it was a very long time before J_____ realized Kit and I were in love.

J____ visited my office at Quantico every now and then and sometimes stopped by the house when Kit was gone, never seeing the glow in my cheeks or the happiness plastered on my face.  Jelani was a beautiful, healthy baby and I had a wonderful man who worshipped both me and my son.  J____ made wry comments as to how nothing seemed to irk his partner, who rarely ever worked overtime anymore.  I never bothered to comment because there was a wistful sadness in my former partner’s eyes whenever he talked about Kit’s preoccupation with “whoever she was.”  I guess J____ knew that he would forever be denied that form of security.  His unquenchable need that drove him and fueled him shut him off from what could have been a complete and satisfying life.  I still care about him; he’s my friend and I’ll do what I can to help him.  But that twisted, skewed love affair we had was over.  Done.  Ended.   

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