Musings in the Dark: Transformations...



So one year ago this week, I'm ensconced in the dark quiet of my sitting room (named Tahiti), pouring out my heart and soul into a Spock/Uhura fanfic that recently won the 2010 S/U Best Smutfic. I wrote "Sexy Beast" at a feverish, breakneck pace; posting 5000-word chapters almost every day.  I wrote it from the void, in the dark, out of time and space. It consumed me to the point where I didn't sleep, barely ate, and could focus on nothing but the next chapter. I wrote a third of it with tears streaming down my face. It was a catharsis; an emotional rollercoaster of a regurgitation of feelings, thoughts, heartaches and pain buried underneath years of self-denial. Subconscious secrets, dreams and desires surged forth and I was able to speak those things out loud. It took me six weeks to finish and when I did; it was like a weight off my chest. I could breathe again and the tears dried up. And I began to transform.

It’s because of that infamous fic that I’m sitting here, blogging. A year ago, blogging was something others did. A year ago, I didn’t own a business. A year ago, the only work I edited was my own. A year ago, I would have never considered posting pictures of myself on the web, or creating an alter ego through which to express and exercise my overwhelming creative spirit. But a year after the conception of Sexy Beast (of which I have to thank Gerri Grant for), I’m a blogger, a business owner, and an editor. You’re reading my blog. I co-own a publishing house, Middle Child Press, with my friend and fellow lunatic, Ankhesen Mié. And I edited my very first anthology, The Sultry Court. Not to mention the fact that I met some extremely wonderful women: Noob, Neets, Gerriv and Ankh to name a few. All within a year.

I’m a woman of faith. I always knew that I would be published one day. I knew that my particular gift was God-given and it was meant to be shared. I also knew that there were priorities and other considerations that kept it from happening when I thought it should. But God delivered me from my awesome responsibilities and put my dreams (and then some) in my hands all in one fabulous year. Instead of facing (again) the arbitrary hurdles of getting a author contract, I can now publish my novels any time I want and I don’t have to deal with the standard publishing bullshit. I can interact with like-minded individuals who share my vision. The decades spent honing my craft and dealing with the industry can be of benefit to new and struggling writers to keep them from going down that exact same path. I’m an author, editor, and a businesswoman. And, as the blog informs, a Dark Dreamer.  That particular description is a subject of a future post.

The most important thing in all of this is that I am transforming into the woman I’m supposed to be.  I am becoming, finally, the woman that I saw in my mind so many years ago.


  1. Has it been a year? If so, it's our anniversary...ish.

  2. Yep. Its been one heck of a year.

  3. Thank you so much, my dear friend! This post had me in tears, you have indeed been transformed and so have I. We are doing what we love and who can ask for more than that. I am so happy to know you and watch you become the woman you were meant to be.

    Gerri Grant (Gerriv)


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