Musings in the Dark: Don't Save Me; I Don't Need to be Saved...

2/04/2011

Don't Save Me; I Don't Need to be Saved...

I’m a grown-ass, self-sufficient woman. I have outside interests, dreams and goals. I also have a job and pay my own bills. I, as you well know, don’t have the responsibility of children and I’m currently single by choice. When I’m ready to have a man in my life, I’ll go get one.


Any bad decisions that I’ve made in the past are decisions that I have made and have to live with. When said man enters my life (let’s call him Keith), I don’t expect him to have to deal with the messes I made before I met him. He shouldn’t expect me to deal with his. Hopefully by the time Keith has made his way to me, most of our pre-relationship excess will have been resolved so that we can have a fulfilling, rich relationship. They should be resolved so that we can get up to some foolishness together. And if they’re not, we should be able to deal with them like grown-ass people in a grown-ass relationship.


In other words, I don’t look for a man to rescue me from myself or my past. I don’t require a man to take on the responsibility of trying to erase my mishaps and make everything all right. I don’t have to be rescued. I don’t need to be saved. I’m perfectly able to manage my untidy life and handle the ramifications of the decisions I’ve made. I’ve learned from most of my mistakes and I do my best not to relive them.


A long time ago, I dated a man that wanted to give me a break from my caregiving responsibilities, work and the stress of graduate school.  He said to me, “When we get married, I just want you to take a year off and not do anything.” I knew he meant well, but he was in love with the idea of being with a woman who had to be strong enough to shoulder the weight of caring for elderly infirm parents on her own, not with me. Fair enough, because I wasn’t in love with him. Needless to say, I broke up with him not too long after he made that statement.


I was tired, but I wasn’t vulnerable. And I didn’t recognize at the time that his statement irritated me. I’ve never had the luxury of taking a year off, and I don’t know what I’d do if I did. I’m a better woman after having gone through what I did, and I wouldn’t be nearly as far along now if I had been susceptible to his need to try and rescue me.


I don’t need a man with Captain Save-A-Ho syndrome. These are guys who have emotional and relational deficits and can relate to women only on a superficial level. They need women who are beat down and/or weak in some respects and want a man around just because it makes them appear to be one of those “good” men. They need to be seen as a hero in someone’s eyes because they are lacking in other aspects of their life.


Case in point: A woman I once knew who confronted her husband’s mistress told me later that the woman suffered from a myriad of ailments, both physical and mental, and that she was with her husband “because he was a good man with a strong sense of integrity who took care of her.” Let’s not overlook the fact that the mistress knew he was married with a family. I asked, “Does she realize the fallacy of her thinking?” The woman told me that the mistress had self-esteem issues and that her husband, who suffered from an acute case of Captain Save-A-Ho (and was no longer a hero in his wife’s eyes; just a man), “made everything all right” by being with her. I had no response to that other than to think, “How fucked up is her moral compass?”


This isn’t the only story that I’ve heard or witnessed from women who feel like somebody’s got to swoop in and make their lives palatable or better by being in it. Ask a woman who’s been through some shit, got with some man thinking that, “Oh, I’ll be all right now,” and realize that the drama didn’t start until she hooked up with him. You’re the only one who can make yourself all right. You don’t need a hero. Be a s/hero.


This theme is pervasive in fairy tales and fiction. I remember as a child getting annoyed with the whole damsel-in-distress shtick and wondered why those women didn’t try to help themselves. Why in the hell did they need to wait for a prince to come along and rescue them with a kiss? A closed-mouth kiss, no less! None of the authors bothered to follow up with the couple after the rescue to see what their lives were like afterwards. Shitty, I’m sure. I bet those damsels wished they had stayed in the turret, remained asleep, or waited for their stepmother and stepsisters to die.  


I just don’t believe that most women need to be saved. I think that most of us who take care of ourselves, own our sexuality, and direct our own lives are perfectly capable of self-rescue. I know I am.

3 comments:

  1. When said man enters my life (let’s call him Keith

    How come we callin' him Keith?

    A woman I once knew who confronted her husband’s mistress told me later that the woman suffered from a myriad of ailments, both physical and mental, and that she was with her husband “because he was a good man with a strong sense of integrity who took care of her.” Let’s not overlook the fact that the mistress knew he was married with a family.

    Word? WTF is that shit? Did the wife leave her husband? PLEASE tell me she didn't put up with that ish.

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  2. Keith's one of the best male characters I've ever created; fine as hell and wonderfully flawed with quirks, gifts, and proclivities that only a woman like me could love. And "Keith" is one of my all-time favorite male names.

    Hell no. She bounced, took the kids and half his paycheck with her. Now of course, he's looking like Bubu the Fool and wanting to get back together with her. I certainly hope she didn't take him back. That crap is crap.

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  3. I concur sister! I am incredibly sick of this culture where people think we need to have a man or have a child. As you know from my guest post having man often means bondage, abuse, violence and oppression. I love this post as well as the post you linked by Ankhesen MiƩ.

    I wanted to give you my email so feel free to write me. It is -- cecelia (dot) lapointe @ gmail (dot) com

    Look forward to hearing from you!

    ReplyDelete

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