Learning to Love My Hair--Revisited

Almost two years ago, I did the Big Chop.  For those of you unfamiliar with the term, it means I cut all of the relaxer out of my hair so I could be completely natural.  It ended up being about nine inches’ worth of perm.  The resultant cut was a short, stylish combination of loose and tight spirals.  It was about an inch and a half in length and very easy to maintain.  Finding the right products to maintain and grow my nat…not so much.

I started out using Miss Jessie’s, but you practically need a loan application to purchase her products.  Then I moved on to Mixed Chicks, which claimed to loosen the curl and didn’t.  From there, I tried Jane Carter & Garnier Fructis, and then “Organic” Root Stimulator products.  With each iteration, my hair did something I liked and something I didn’t.  These products claimed to work for natural hair, and being naïve, I spent my hard-earned cash because I wanted my hair to “do right.”  Not really knowing what that meant.  

I’m not a fan of the ‘fro; I have a big head and I don’t think it looks good on me.  So I started twisting my hair using pomades and hoping that my curls would loosen and my hair would fall.  Instead, I had a curly afro.  The quest to find something—anything—to detangle the “kitchen” (aka the back of the head) led me to the Natural Hair Show in Atlanta.  Again I spent money and again, I was dissatisfied.  It was not easy being natural for me, but I was determined to find something that worked.  I couldn’t bear to put any more chemicals or heat on my hair. 

Then in October, after a week-long war with the nat, I said fuck it and got kinky twists.  At this time, Noob (who is also a nat), found out about Naptural85 on YouTube.  Naptural, an absolutely stunning beauty, makes her own hair products using over-the-counter supplies.  Noob tried Naptural’s Shea Butter Pomade and loved it.  So when I took my braids down, I made some of my own.  I spent about $20 on the oils (there are 5) and shea butter.

*cue angels singing*  REVELATION!!!!

The first time I tried the pomade on my hair, I saw immediate results.  First of all, my hair fell instead of ‘fro-ing up.  Two, the natural curl pattern actually showed itself.  Three, it felt fantastic on my scalp.  Four, it was made of nothing but truly natural ingredients.  When I went back and looked at the ingredients on all the other products I’d used, there was nothing organic or natural about any of it.  I couldn’t pronounce half of the compounds and I’m a baby chemist.  So using something as clean as Naptural’s Shea Butter Pomade in my nat was like giving my hair a colonic.

Then I went further and used two more of Naptural’s suggestions: apple cider vinegar pre-rinse and honey-mayo-egg conditioner.  Again, an instant difference in the texture and gloss.  I added banana and olive oil to the mix and this is what I’m currently using.  From there, I went on a quest to find an all-natural shampoo to supplement the conditioning.  Naptural recommended black soap…and that is what I currently use.

The shea butter soaks right into my scalp and gives it all the nutrients it needs.  The conditioners enhance the curl pattern and add body and gloss.  The black soap cleans it without killing it.  I twist my hair after liberal use of the pomade and my curls are loose and spirally.  It’s grown about two inches since I started making the shea butter in December of 2011.  My hair looks great and feels wonderful.  It doesn’t feel yucky or sticky and doesn’t ‘fro up.  I’ve gotten used to the fact that my hair is not neat; it sticks up in odd places regardless as to what I do.   It is what it is and I don’t fight it.  My next step is to make Naptural's flaxseed hair gel  (She also has marvelous suggestions on easy natural hair styles and maintenance).

A marvelous side benefit of all this is that I use the black soap as bathing soap and the shea butter as lotion and lip balm.  So when I’m done with my hair, I just move on down.  My skin tone is even and smooth, and my skin is soft and supple.  I no longer get ashy.  I have saved so much money!!!  Winning.

For those of you on the fence or struggling in transition, I highly recommend Naptural 85.  Everything she does is cheap and simple and requires just a little time.  When I make a batch of pomade using one container of shea butter, it lasts me about six weeks (and this is using it for my hair and as lotion).  It’s totally worth it.  My adventure with my natural has taken me places I didn’t think I could go; the main one being cognizant of what and how I eat, but that’s for another post.  

Me. Well, sort of...

So my sister-in-law came by and we played around with the camera:  

Sexy Things (6)

One of the things I love to do is walk around wearing next to nothing.  There’s a freedom in it that you can’t experience anywhere unless you live alone.  Or unless your boo is more than happy watching you express yourself in this fashion.  I’m a T-shirt and panties girl and I love moving about my house dressed thusly.  I’ve always purchased cute panties along with the standard practical ones, but last year I started indulging in really sexy panties.  Meaning I bought panties with elaborate designs and prints: zebra, leopard, black and red hearts, kisses, things of that nature.  Silk, satin, lace, nylon...you name it.  Of course, they’re more expensive than your standard cotton issue, but worth every dime.  The first time I put on a pair, it was love.  The feel of the material next to my secret skin, my lovely one, was undeniable fire.  It was definitely not a sensation I got with my old standbys.

My panty of preference is the boy short.  I love them.  They’re ridiculously comfortable and don’t bunch.  They conform to my curves and I always feel like they make my ass look rounder.  My second fave are the bikinis due to the cut.  Thongs are useful for those times when having a panty line is a faux pas, but I know some women who rock them regularly. I’m not a fan of the other styles; they just aren’t flattering for my shape.  You have to know what works for you so you can work it accordingly. I have my boy shorts in all colors, prints, fabrics and styles.  A white or black T-shirt or tank top goes well with any of them.

Women know that men fantasize about the panties they have on.  They also know that men fantasize about the specific contents of their special panty drawer, and may outright ask about it if they’re in the position to do so.  I don’t think I have to elucidate why this fascination exists.  But it does, and as far as I’m concerned, it’s completely justifiable.  If you’ve never experienced the wonder of wearing sexy panties, then you are missing out on an enlightening experience.  Try it at least once…

Pictured: Not my ass, but you get the idea.

Next up:  Skin

It's Gotta Be Said...

I’m an adult, grown as hell, handling my business.  Nobody pays my bills but me; if I do something or say something wrong, I must own it.  No one is going to save me or defend me if I decide to get up to some chicanery.   I have to answer for everything I do.

And…

I’m a woman, all woman, every inch of me.  My body is mine.  It belongs to me.  No one has any say over it, my femininity, or my womanhood.  Nobody is going to tell me what to do with my breasts or my ass or my legs or my sex.  No one is going to use my innate beauty as a reason to behave inappropriately.  No one—neither man nor another woman—is going to run shit here.

While I’m at it…

No woman’s going to define my sexuality.  No man is going to do it either.  No woman can speak for me in terms of what’s best for me.  No man can do it either.  I wish a muthafucka would try to tell me what I must do or who I must be.  I pay the cost to be the boss right here, and if I don’t own anything else, I own me.

And in case it isn’t clear…

This is my body.  My house.  My world; therefore my rules.

Politicians have blatantly shown their natural collective ass this election year.  I’m not even about to list the offenders, but you know who they are.  For the most part, I’m not fazed by election drama, because that’s all it is.  However, this year has been markedly different because the rights of women are under attack; especially as they relate to the uterus.  To hear that there is support for restricting birth control in this day and age wasn’t a surprise, but to know that these conversations are taking place within the walls of our government by men with no women present…that was a good old-fashioned wake-up slap.

I suppose I really shouldn’t be shocked.  We live in a patriarchal society and men as a collective are selfish beings who once ran shit and want to keep running shit.  Once upon a time, women stayed home and raised kids.  Once upon a time, that was the sum total of our existence.  Women who deviated from that were not viewed in a favorable light.  But contraception liberated us (in more ways than one) and got us out of the metaphorical house.  Once we were out in the world and loving it, there was no going back.  I’m not knocking women who choose to be stay-at-home mothers.  I think that’s fantastic.  But it ain’t for every woman, and it may not be feasible for every mother.  The point is that it’s our choice, and if the woman is married, it is a discussion she should have with her spouse, and it is nobody else’s business.

In my opinion, this whole mess is really about controlling woman and “putting her back in her place.”  Said place being in the home with the kids, under the thumb of man and out of the eyes of the world.  This life made men very secure.  The woman was tied to him, dependent upon him, the chances were near-perfect that the kids she bore were his, and her duty was to him.  He could do as he chose.  I imagine for them, it was a very happy time.   But that life, that time, that world, a world that many of these congressmen grew up in, does not exist anymore.  The option of not getting pregnant changed everything, and I believe that these men are quietly terrified that the new world order isn’t going to have them at the top of the food chain.  Why else would these congressmen be so adamant and insistent on vigorously expressing their views on birth control (and trying to control it) if they weren’t afraid of the power it gives women?

I can’t think of anything other than fear guiding this train of thought; a fear so pervasive that it clouds the discussion of such rational issues as overpopulation and the increased numbers of unwanted children; something that birth control directly impacts.  Fear is irrational and illogical, and acting out of it can make people look ridiculous.  Look at all of what’s taking place and tell me it doesn’t at least strain credulity.  How do you shun women in a debate about anything related to their bodies??  Because last I checked, you need a uterus to carry a child, and by biological definition, men don’t have one.

Which leads me back to my original rant.  My body is mine and my sex is mine.  If I want to dress a certain way, I will.  Put an unwanted hand on me and I will fuck you up.  Don’t try to justify your behavior by saying I am dressing inappropriately and you “just can’t help it.” Because you'd better be able to help having your ass handed to you.

If I want to be a contender for Slut of the Year and have sex with anyone and everyone I want to, then that’s my business.  If I make it my mission to fuck any man who side-eyes me, it ain’t no concern of yours.  You can say whatever the hell you want, but you can’t do anything about it.

If I get pregnant and don’t want the child for any number of reasons, then I have options available to me…and it is MY decision on what option I pick.  Mine and no one else’s.  You may not like it and you may criticize me for it, but that’s your problem.  I can do anything I want to do with what belongs to me and it is no one else’s right to take that right away from me.

To paraphrase Cee-Lo Green:  “Fuck you…and fuck you, too.”

Maybe I’m crazy, but I thought we were done talking about this shit.  But here, now, in 2012…apparently not.

Suggested Reading:


(Straight) Men, Women Society: What You Say, What I Hear

“Why Patriarchal Men Are Utterly Terrified of Birth Control…”  

Memories of an O'Head: 1984

This one is for the old heads like myself, who came of age in the '80s & the early '90s.  Holla if ya hear me!

Uhhh, you be the judge. 

A few weeks ago, Unsung aired an episode featuring Full Force.  As an '80s baby, it was an absolute delight to take a trip down memory lane with Paul Anthony, Bow-Legged Lou, B-Fine and ‘nem.  The episode was great, as it highlighted aspects of Full Force’s producing talents.  I’d forgotten how many acts they produced. One such group is UTFO (UnTouchable Force Organization).  If you’ve never heard of them, then you’re probably not an o’head like me.  They were a rap group who came out with the megahit “Roxanne, Roxanne,” penned by B-Fine.  From the moment I heard that joint, I was in love.  It’s such a fun song.  Three guys, Kangol, Doc, & EMD, were competing with each other for the hand (read: sex) of Roxanne, a beautiful around-the-way girl.  Watching the two-minute clip of UTFO unleashed a flood of memories.  It was a visceral, intense punch in the face and I jumped out of my seat and threw my hands up with a “HEEYYY!!!!  THAT’S MY JAAAAYYYUUUUMMMM!!!!!”  My brother, who was upstairs on the computer, came to the top of the stairs and did the same thing.  For a moment, we were kids again.

 “I guess that’s what I get for thinkin’/Ain’t that right, black?”

“So when I met her/I wasted no time/But stuck up Roxanne paid me no mind”

“That’s what we planned/But she stood me up/Roxanne, Roxanne”

From that, I was overwhelmed with memories of 1984.  This was back when MTV actually played music, and competed with VH1 for video supremacy.  McDonalds was considered a treat for good behavior.  I watched “Dynasty,” “Dallas,” “The Cosby Show,” & “Family Ties,” along with other classics.  I sported a jheri-curl, Jordache jeans, Keds (affectionally called “white girl” shoes) a Members Only jacket, multiple pairs of socks, and round coke-bottle glasses.  Yellow was my favorite color, but I had a red Swatch watch and rocked gummy bracelets and twister beads.  My whip was a blue ten-speed, and I could double-dutch, hopscotch, and hoola-hoop like a champ.  The “big” gift for Christmas that year was a Crayola Caddy.  I was at the outer edges of my tomboyishness; breasts were starting to sprout and cause problems.  I was a skinny, goofy-looking awkward pre-teen with spectacles and no rhythm, likely busting the hell out of 98 pounds, but a PYT nonetheless.  And Roxanne, as portrayed, was a goddess.  I wanted to be her.  The fact that she didn’t swoon over the guys in the group made it even better.  She was a boss chick.

1984 Royalty

“Roxanne, Roxanne” played all the time, everywhere.  Classmates performed it at the talent show.  The video ran damn near 24/7.  It spawned at least 15 get-back tracks and changed the landscape of rap as we knew it then.  It was the first rap I knew all the words to, and my mother bought me the cassette tape (yeah, I said “tape;" I still have that bad boy) and I wore that damn thing out listening to it every day and night.  This was back when you could listen to an album and not have to skip tracks, and every rap album had a slow cut and a song that paid homage to the DJ.  The songs were fun and didn’t need to be edited for radio play.  There was no profanity or disrespect, and I don’t recall my mother telling me not to listen to UTFO or calling their music garbage.  Every last member of UTFO could rap.  They were skilled lyricists, and as a word-nerd, I recognized the layer and depth of their delivery and loved it.  There was an intelligence and a cleverness to their songs that is lacking in today’s dreary music landscape. This can be generalized to rap and hip-hop as a whole; I’m not an o’head for nothing.  Music used to be real, but now it’s on life support.

Let's judge this with eyes from 1984, shall we?

Anyway, I fell in love with Kangol, Doc, EMD & MixMaster Ice.  Well, not exactly.  Like any group—then or now—you become fixated on one or two members.  Each man had an identity: Kangol was a “soldier of love;” he wore a red leather suit, majorette boots, and of course, a Kangol.  In ’84, he was fly as hell.  I repeat, in 1984.  Doctor Ice was a “physician” and wore white scrubs with red suede Pumas.  EMD, or the Educated Rapper, was a “nerd” and wore a suit, and MixMaster Ice, the DJ, was a “ninja.”  This was an appropriate persona, since Ice could cut the fuck out of a record.  I grew up loving rap, so I appreciate the art of a clean scratch, and Ice is a freaking legend.  Don’t believe me?  Take a look:

Cotona Park, NY; circa 2007.  Ladies and gentlemen, that is what you call skills.

My friends at the time swooned over Kangol & Doc, but I was in love with Ice and would have straight up married him if he asked me.  He wasn’t the front man and he wasn’t flashy like Doc or Kangol, but he was smokin’ hot in that ninja gear, and he has great eyes and beautiful hands.  There are a couple of videos on YouTube , as well as the album cover, showing my man in full ninja regalia AND new-wave frames.  Can you say "pimp?"  MixMaster Ice could have gotten every inch of my pre-teen ass, and while that may sound perverted, it was the truth.  Quiet as it’s kept; he could get every inch of it right now.  I believe that Roxanne didn’t want the other guys because she was smitten with Ice, and rightfully so.  But I digress.

1984 was a potent year in terms of my imagination.  It was unwieldy to begin with, but shot into the upper layers of the stratosphere.  Music is highly influential, and my serious teenage crush on MixMaster Ice, coupled with my love for magnificent Michael, fired me to the point where I wore out my first typewriter and put a serious dent in the second one.  This includes the massive amounts of stuff I wrote by hand.  Michael was a much bigger star than Ice, and therefore, more unattainable.  Based on the skewed logic I’m sure I possessed at that time, that was the reason MixMaster Ice—and not Michael—became the template for a lot of the men in my stories.  He still is to an extent.  Disclaimer: I regretfully admit that I do not know this man (though I do follow him on FB and Twitter), so the behavior of said male characters do not necessarily mimic his.  Considering how everything turned out, I’m certain I made a better choice in terms of my male model.  You can’t mistake The Master for anything other than a man, trust and believe.  

Anyway, I can’t even tell you what all of I wrote back then featuring him and it doesn’t matter; it’s all upstairs in my file cabinet, brown and worn from age.  I’ve never gone back and looked at any of it; there was an innocence to my scribbling, a complete disregard of logic and common sense—pulled from a spot where I couldn’t get to now even if I wanted to.  That time has passed and it has its place…1984.  But man, did I enjoy the trip!  Thanks, Unsung!!

Whitney Houston (1963-2012)

I don’t have the words to express my sadness at the loss of one of the world’s greatest entertainers.  Her music was part of the soundtrack of my formative years.  So instead of me pontificating about this, I’ll show you instead.

I could go on, but you get the idea. Rest in peace, Whitney.

Feminism & Fanfiction (2)

...continued from Part One.


Writing Sexy Beast took six emotionally charged weeks.  It was written at white-hot speed; I didn’t get much sleep and I barely ate.  My muse was miles and years ahead of me, and I faithfully followed her with nothing more than a torch to feebly light my way.  I wrote every night until my legs were stiff and my back ached and my stomach screamed.  It’s 200 pages, and it won a Spock/Uhura award for one of the best fics of the year.  Noob says it was the best fic of 2010, and that I “pulled a Heath Ledger Joker.”  She is of the belief that the only reason it did not get "Best Fic" was due to all the controversy and women not wanting to own up to their repression.  


Sexy Beast was never intended for glory; it was actually supposed to be a fun, five-chapter romp on the dark side of Star Trek: TOS.  I just wanted to have some fun on the dark side (surprise, right?) This illustrates the difference between what I want and what my muse intends.  I ended up baring my soul and allowed thousands and thousands of people a peek into my intimate thoughts and feelings.  I couldn’t control her and she led me into the deepest recesses of my heart and forced me to face long-buried demons and secrets.  I wrote a good third of the book with tears streaming down my face, and when it was done, I felt a great sense of relief, complete exhaustion, and the beginnings of my own healing process.  

Some women contacted me privately to share their stories about what they were able to do after reading Sexy Beast.  One woman told me that it gave her the courage to end an unhappy relationship.  Another one told me that reading it helped her to get over a bad breakup, and one other lady told me that it helped her understand some things that saved her marriage.  For whatever reason, FF.net changed its private messaging format and most of those messages were lost; otherwise, I’d cite them here.  I was moved to tears upon reading some of them.  I had no idea that my fic was causing maelstroms not just inside of me, but everywhere.


A good, good friend of mine experienced one of the shitstorms the story caused from a completely different perspective.  My friend’s name is Nubianamazon, and fans of the Dark know her as Noob.  Noob reached out to me during the later chapters of the story.  I was completely befuddled by her continued attempts to contact me (as it has NEVER happened before), but I could not focus on anything other than closing the book.  When I finished, I responded to her messages and she invited me to join a writer’s community.  The following are her words on what going on prior to my arrival:


“I knew this story was having a powerful impact, both positive and negative, with its audience.  It was in a writer’s community that I had joined in particular.  I saw women who were afraid of the story; they were jealous of the impact it was having.  I saw women who wanted to censor the story and it was shocking because these women were writers, and writers wanted to censor another writer.  There was a lot of phony-ness, backbiting, jealousy, intrigue.  I invited Pink to this comm and I felt like I dropped her in a lion’s den, which infuriated me.  One young writer in particular really wanted to ingratiate herself with Pink, but her motivation was inauthentic.  Long story short, she outed herself, as did all the writers in that community who had a real problem with Pink and her story.  Needless to say, Pink and I (and two other ladies) left the comm.”


“Sexy Beast holds a special place in my heart because I met my dear friend Pink, and it really does speak to the power of storytelling and how it can affect your audience in ways that the author never dreamed of.  I know Pink didn’t write this story to make friends, but she did.  We’ve been good friends for two years now and our lives have been enriched due to the presence of the other.”


“What I loved about Sexy Beast was the dialogue it created.  I enjoyed talking to other women and getting feedback on what each woman thought on the viewpoint of being a feminist.  Being brave enough to share yourself is always admirable, and I know that Pink shared a lot of herself in Sexy Beast.  That is a noble thing.  Sexy Beast is about Uhura taking control of her life and her sexuality for the very first time, and in the broader context, it’s about the audience member.  It makes the audience consider what control is in the course of their lives.”


As a result of this story, I met four amazing ladies: Ankh, Neets, Gerri and Noob.  Ankhesen and I built a publishing house, Noob and Neets became published authors themselves, and Gerri has established herself as one of my most loyal and endearing fans; a woman I have in mind as the audience I write for.  Noob also became the living embodiment and extension of my muse; because of her, an entire science fiction universe is being born.  This is all due to Sexy Beast.  I have absolutely no regrets about writing this story; not one.  It helped me heal and freed me to take charge of my sexuality, and I did it in front of thousands of readers.  Almost two years have passed and the trolls have gone away, but the ripple effects are still going on; spreading wider and wider.  I don’t know how far they’ll go, but it doesn’t matter.  I’m stronger, healthier and happier than I’ve ever been, and it is worth every single tear I shed in the quiet darkness of my house.

Feminism & Fanfiction (1)

Denny Upkins asked me to write an article for his LJ page, The Chronicle.  I struggled about possible content, especially since I'm in a creative slump.  But then I thought again about how all of this came to be.  I'm also thinking that I'll continue exploring these themes in future blog posts.  Thanks, Denny, for the opportunity to share my opinions with you and your readers.

The article is entitled "Feminism, Fanfiction & a Sexy Beast."  Due to its length, I have it broken up into two parts.  Here is Part One.

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve been writing fanfic since I was a teenage girl.  Anyone who has read my blog knows what writing means to me and how serious I am about my craft.  I’ve always used fanfic as a medium to play around with characterization, plot devices, and deviant sexual subjects.  Probably 75% of my writing contains strong overtones and a dark, consistent theme weaves its way through much of my work, be it fanfic or original fiction.  Fanfiction is a way for me to work things out; to tap into the innermost corners of my heart and mind and attempt to resolve the things that go bump in the darkest nights of my soul.  I have a lot of fans who have supported me in these efforts because they can relate to what I say.  I’ve made some real connections with some of these women, and I’m still associated with them today.

Obviously, I’m a woman and I write from a woman’s perspective, so I am intrigued to come across fanfiction that shows situations through the eyes of another.  When I first started reading m/m slashfic, I admit to being uncomfortable, but that changed as I matured and began to appreciate the writing and storytelling on its merits.  A lot of women—an awful lot—write slash, and I’ve always felt it to be inauthentic because, well…they’re not men or don’t identify as men.  I really don’t believe they fully understand what they’re writing, and it shows in the storytelling.  Reading commentary on m/m slashfic was an eye-opener.  I was stunned to see female slash fans vehemently berate male slash authors. 

I don’t understand why a woman feels like she can tell a man how to write about relationships—sex or otherwise—between men.  I don’t understand why some male authors are derided for exploring gay or bisexual characterizations in fanfic, when women do it all the time and manage to escape exceptionally harsh criticism.  If I use fanfiction to explore aspects of my own sexuality, then why can’t a man, be he gay, straight, or bisexual, use the same forum for the same reasons?  What right does anyone—especially so-called "authors"—have to censor or insult writers who use fanfic the same way I do?  Especially in the fanfiction realm, where nobody gets paid for their writing.  

I do understand that when you write a story and you post it for others to read, you’re inviting criticism and judgment because that’s just the nature of the beast.  That, however, does not give others the right to try and shame, embarrass or insult the author for expressing their viewpoint.  Readers may not understand or share the same views, but by no means does that give them carte blanche to force their opinions on the author.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On February 21, 2010, I started writing a Star Trek Mirrorverse fanfic entitled “Sexy Beast.”  Sexy Beast is a story about a woman’s (Nyota Uhura) sexual awakening and the realization of her true identity. Uhura is thrust into the Mirrorverse, a place of madness, murder and mayhem; where women are property and men are vicious, violent sexual predators.  Uhura is held captive by Commander Spock, who is multi-layered: selfish and flawed, passionate and fairly decent (by comparison) whose need for balance is found in the woman he kidnapped on a whim.

Uhura is not so accommodating.  Due to the raw, misogynistic nature of the Mirrorverse, she gets involved with Spock in a most unconventional manner, in spite of her frustration and rage at her situation.  Uhura realizes that she has submissive tendencies, and Spock, in dom mode, brought them to the surface.  Situations ensue and Uhura comes to understand that the woman she believed herself to be is not the woman she really is, and that her life in the Realverse, staid by comparison, was merely a sham perpetuated by myth.  She becomes more of a woman in the Mirrorverse than she could have ever been in the universe she was taken from and is conflicted about returning to.  Uhura’s presence on board the ISS-E is a catalyst for a great many things, including mutiny and a change in the Mirrorverse’s regime; something Captain Kirk encouraged of Spock at the conclusion of “Mirror, Mirror.”

There are very strong scenes of dubious consensual sex and situations.  In Chapter 7, “Push,” such a scene took place which led to a firestorm of debate on what women find sexually appealing.  Trolls took exception to my depiction of Spock’s chastisement of Uhura and called it rape.  Anyone with any familiarity of D/s culture recognized the subtle clues that led up to the scene and understood it for what it was.  Spock being a tactile telepath made the situation even more questionable for those who did not and could not comprehend the power balance between a dominant and a submissive.  Others were similarly dissatisfied with said chapter, but there was overwhelming support for what I was trying to convey.  I was lambasted for “Push,” which represented a very dark turning point, and chapter 10, “Come Together,” when Uhura begins to understand the power she has over Spock. 

 
“This story offends me as a woman. Uhura would never have accepted Spock's treatment of her, and the fact that he rapes her just makes it worse. Women are second class citizens in this story and I am deeply disturbed by your portrayals of said characters. I don't want to read a fic where women are treated as property... You are sending a terrible message about gender equality and the treatment of women.”

This from a woman who only read the chapter in question.  I am of the suspicion that she is a NuTrekkie, a fan of the 2009 reboot; meaning she has absolutely no concept of the Mirrorverse and how women are treated over there.  Anyone who has seen and studied “Mirror, Mirror” as extensively as I have knew the world Roddenberry was describing within the limits he was allowed to do so.  It was the 1960s and Gene slipped enough past network censors that those of us sensitive to such things understood the tone of the world he created, and I merely filled in the blanks as I saw them.  I might add that there was no gun or potassium chloride-filled syringe to said troll’s head forcing her to read this story; in fact, I believe she read chapter 7--and only chapter 7--on the encouragement of another troll.

“Okay, I just read the story. And I have to say that as a woman, I am deeply disturb by this fic. Spock rapes Uhura, yet he comes out as being the good guy and the leader of a female movement? I'm sorry, but if I was Uhura, I would of kicked Spock's ass a long time ago. That or kill myself, kill the baby, ANYTHING to let Spock know that him and no other man does not control me.”

 
Another troll felt that I needed to be educated on what rape is; even though I am very familiar with the term.  She also felt that I was sending the wrong message to young girls, except she never made clear what that message was.  This in spite of the fact that my story came with multiple warnings from jump, and my LJ blog is covered by an adult content page.  I cannot control who’s reading my work, I’ve never censored myself, and I’m certainly not about to start.  When said troll (who created a LJ account the day “Push” was uploaded; again on the suggestion of a troll who got blocked) was challenged by me and my readers about this very thing, she backpedaled and painted herself into a corner she could not get out of.  I made it clear that I was going to finish Sexy Beast, and if her intent was to censor me or shame me into stopping, she was not going to be successful.  My readers were not nearly as calm about it as I was:

“Ain't nobody forcing them to read this or any other fanfic story...Folks need to actually HEED warnings and ratings and take responsibility for THEIR actions for a damn change.”

“Who are we to tell another writer how to write their story? If you don't like something then don't bother with it.”

“If you feel like this story is inappropriate, that’s fine.  But for you to sit and tell the other audience members that they are wrong for liking it, then stop reading.”

“Why does this author need to be educated on her story?  If you don’t like it, don’t read it.”

“There’s a tiny little X-box in the upper right-hand corner of one’s computer that, when you click it, everything goes away.  Feel free to use it at any time.”

“I don’t understand the controversy.  With all of the fanfiction out there, with all kinds of dark or disturbing themes, I don’t understand why some people feel the need to “educate” this writer and the rest of us on an alternate viewpoint.  I am an adult and I can think and choose what to read.  If someone does not like where this story is going, DO NOT READ IT and let the rest of us enjoy this FICTION without all of the condescending critical pronouncements.  Freedom of speech is a real right that everyone should respect.  Give it a try.” 

The following trolls attacked my fanbase by saying that any woman who thought that what Uhura went through or what Spock did was sexy and appealing was stupid and wrong for liking it.  

“You give off this illusionment of female power, when there is none what so ever. And what is even more disturbing is that your female readers see no problem with this at all.”

"Will SOMEONE PLEASE explain to me why all you readers seem to think that a rapist is somehow the Susan B. Anthony of this fic? Are all of you REALLY that stupid?"

And some of my very vocal, very loyal readers blasted right back:

“I mean, one chick even called us STUPID on FF for daring not to agree with her and liking the story and this was after she'd read a few chapters including the one you issued a SPECIFIC warning about.

“Within the parameters of this, ahem, FICTIONAL UNIVERSE, which may or may not reflect *our* reality, I can see Nyota's POV. Some of us *would* choose to go back, for various reasons, and some would choose to stay (if, indeed, there were even a choice).  Either way, if the previous reviewer has an opinion as to the opinions of other readers, perhaps implying that the other readers are stupid is not a good way to sell his/her point.  Carry on, Pinkie.”

“I am really getting tired of people that don't like this fic calling or implying that the rest of us who do like it, stupid or whatever. There are thousands of stories out there to read, if you don't like this one, find another one and leave this writer and the rest of us ALONE.”

The questions that arose from this are what do women find sexy and appealing, and who has the right to decide what any woman should find erotic and sexy.  Trolls claiming to be feminists were criticizing my readers and me because our viewpoints on what’s sexy and desirable did not line up with their own.  One in particular tried to insinuate that we should all find the same things sexy, even though we’re all different women.  Last I checked, one of the cornerstones of feminism is for a woman to have the freedom to make her own choices.

Quite a few of my readers agreed:

“I love how folks are trying to school us dumb wimminz on what we SHOULD find hawt. I thought part of feminism was about each woman defining that for OURSELVES! And guess what? What tickles one's fancy may not do ish for another. What sets off the skyrockets for one another may be horrified at.”


“I find it highly ironic that feminists are questioning how other women dare to define for ourselves (and that is what we're doing. No one is making us like this story. We're actually deciding that for our very own selves) what we find sexy.”

“Wow!  I believe Nyota is saying what a lot of women think but are afraid to say.  You are truly a gifted writer.”

“Not only is this a good story, but some of us are SICK of other mofos daring to define and try to SHAME us into accepting THEIR version of sexy and not allowing us to define that for ourselves. And it's ironic that those who are doing so are doing it under the rubrik of feminist thinking.”

“Isn't one of the tenets of the feminist movement is the freedom for a woman to make her own choices and to define herself by her own terms? It amazes me how so many folks were up in arms over this story. The subject matter is dark to be sure but I welcome it.”

“And for those of you for whom this fic offends your feminist sensibilities, remember you ain't gotta read any of it. I don't understand folks reading through the whole thing, hanging around to read updates only to slam it AND its readership. Feel free to peruse more "uplifting" fare here at... But don't insult those of us who are enjoying this.”

No woman has the right to tell another woman that she is wrong for what she finds sexy.  Plenty of women found Spock and Uhura’s D/s dynamic extraordinarily sexy.  Plenty of women didn’t.  Lots of women enjoyed the intense encounters.  Lots of women didn’t.  Some of the women liked the rough stuff, and some lied about liking it (IMHO).  The point is that they can decide for themselves which way they swing.  No woman has the right to force her sexuality on another woman.  No woman should think she has the power to try and control the sexuality of another woman.  And most certainly, no woman has the right to insult and belittle the intelligence and desires of other women who are of a different mindset.  We can decide for ourselves what turns us on and what gets us off.  And for a lot of us, dubious consent does exactly that.  

In spite of my single-mindedness and laser-like focus on finishing my fic, I took a few moments to privately inbox an interloper who thought it acceptable to call me an “ignorant fucking bitch” after I called them out.  I let them know that while they could call me any name they liked and anything they wanted, they had absolutely no right at all to affront my readers, and that I would not put up it.  I then not-so-politely encouraged them to stop reading and get the fuck off my LJ page; and just to be sure, I banned them to keep them from coming back.  The women reading Sexy Beast encouraged and applauded me for telling the story of a woman’s realization of her sexual self, in spite of the backlash I received.

“Pink, keep writing, keep telling your story.  There’s a lot of truth and wisdom in it.”

“I'm sick of folks who think that because we don't think like they do we are some idjit wimminz (and a lot of us are DARKIES too?! Lawd, we MUST be morons!) who must be schooled. Some ol' White Feminist Burden shit! And they're employing the same methods as the eevul patriarchy they rail against so much, trying to shame women into what they think of as an acceptable sexuality conforming to THEIR views of acceptable desire and acceptable expression of desire. It's simply instead of trying to force us into being the proverbial "good girls" like Uhura read about in her romance novels and what she'd been fed growing up, they're trying to make us believe that there is a politically correct sexuality and desire that we should adhere to as if sexuality is completely cut and dried. As if human beings are.”

“I can't believe I am going to write this, just goes to show how excellent you are at manipulating reader's emotions lol (I don't mean that as an insult). But this Uhura needs to stay, she is no longer the Uhura that arrived, she is mirror Uhura without the evil that comes with it. This Mirror universe is more grey than is normally portrayed, and so everyone is not all out and out evil, what Spock did is utterly wrong but under the parameters of the world he lives in it was mild...He is in a world where if you want something you just take it, however he recognises the immorality of what he did which does not make him evil. So even tho if it was me I would flee the first chance I get back to 'normality' this Uhura seems happy where she is, if she had been stuck there accidentally and the same things occurred I suspect she would stay.”

“I like how Uhura's experiences have led to her discovering a part of herself that would have been unknown to the sort of academic and then professional overachiever that she'd have to be to be assigned to the Enterprise. She is an intelligent and sophisticated woman but the way you write her we can imagine her on the "good girl" track from the time she was a child so her naiveté is believable. (Spock is in some ways the same, parental pressure, his sense of duty and career track are odds with him discovering his true nature.) Glad she decided that she wasn't bad or dirty. You added the psychological exposition to the story deftly. Her musings on submission and domination show us her changing attitudes, her motivation and educates the reader while avoiding the unintentional hilarity of badfic (an all too common problem with this genre).”

“Very intriguing. I love how you've allowed Nyota to maintain her soul while still recognizing she has to survive...by any means available...
The 'girl's club' was a fascinating aspect. They couldn't let Nyota in until she really became one of them. And that Nyota was able to delve into her own psyche and see that she does have a ‘deviant’ side that really isn't all that deviant and having her set aside her 'romance' novels and accepting real life was a brilliant move.”

“I want to say that I think you’re doing a FANTASTIC job with this fic.  It raises a lot of interesting points and I seriously think there should be a book club-type discussion at the conclusion.”

“I love the character of Uhura.  I think she’s a strong woman and I’d hate to see her make a foolish decision just because she thinks she’ll never find another man that can ring her chimes like Mirror Spock.  At the same time, I know there are no easy answers here.  Plus, this is YOUR fic, and I will definitely respect (and most likely love) whatever direction you choose to go with it.  Keep up the good work!!!”

...continued in Part Two

"Nightingales" UPDATED

Ankhesen asked me if I would consider actually turning "Nightingales" into a story.  I find the concept intriguing, as I have not been able to stop thinking about Jo, Neveyah, Cress, Lee-Lee, Monica and Cressida's creepy-ass apartment.  However, I am at a loss for ideas so I welcome prompts and suggestions from my readers.  Have at it.  PLEASE!


In the meantime, however, I need to add more to the cast.

Leonard Roberts is Nathan "Mitch" Mitchell; a fellow bartender at Magic City, where Jo and Neveyah work.  Mitch really likes Jocasta, and helps her and her friends try to unravel the mystery of Cressida's apartment.

Peter Mensah is Joseph Dallas, Jo's beloved father. Joseph thinks Jocasta can do no wrong.

Jay Tavare is Nick Malone, Neveyah's father.  Neveyah and Nick have a similar relationship to Jo and Joseph, but Nick absolutely hates that his daughter is an exotic dancer at Magic City.  He does not understand why his talented baby girl, the heiress to his fortune, feels the need to shake her ass at a notorious strip club.

Raoul Bova is Ferro Silvano, Neveyah's stepfather.  

Alex Rice is Nina Austin Silvano, Neveyah's mother.  Nina's relationship with her daughter is strained because Neveyah caught her cheating on Nick with Ferro, and because she got a serious chunk of Nick's money with which she uses to take care of Ferro.

Salman Khan is Rayner Blake, Lee-Lee's skinflint, strict father.  Amisha Patel is Aaryn Blake, Lee-Lee's mother.

Loretta Devine is Lorraine Tierney, Monica's plain-spoken, no-bullshit mother.

Shin Koyumada is Chris Nakamura, Monica's boyfriend.


The men in Cressida's life...

Sugar Daddy #1:  Bought the Mercedes...

Sugar Daddy #2:  Owns the apartment complex...

Sugar Daddy #3:  Seen most often...

...and Jonathan Avery, Cressida's true (but not up to financial standards) love.

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I am in a slump.  I hate it.  I have a story to tell and novels to start, edit & finish.  I’m overloaded with ideas...but I can’t write a single word.  I sit with a blank document open or with a chapter in front of me and nothing happens.  It tends to be like this in the latter half of a calendar year and right at the beginning of a new one.  I hope my creative spirit kicks in real soon...