Three years
ago, I decided that I wanted to teach overseas.
I knew it wasn’t something that would happen immediately; plans had to
be made. So I started the preparation for
my exit. It involved graduating, figuring
out what to do with my house and job, the application process and things of
that nature. When it became clear that I
could indeed do this, I set the summer of 2012 as the time of departure. I had everything planned; I resigned from my teaching
gig, set the date for my final defense, arranged for the care of my house, and
packed up the stuff that I wasn’t using.
I should
have known better, and no I’m not saying this out of anger. Frustration, yes, but not anger. Frustration that all my plans didn’t come to
fruition when I wanted, expected, needed them to. I’ve gone through something like this
before—who hasn’t—but with the passage of time; I realized that had my plans
worked out to my expectations, it would have disastrous results.
Case in
point: Eight years ago, I was dating a man who was a pastor. We were into each other like crazy, but the
timing was all wrong. He knew it and I
knew it, but we couldn’t stay away from each other. We established parameters like any reasonable
couple should, but they didn’t hold for quite a few reasons I won’t bother to
illuminate here. At the time, we were
both thinking that we would end up at the altar in a couple of years, and I was
convinced it was what I wanted. But our
relationship didn’t last; I was the one who woman’d up and ended it.
Fast forward
to now and I know that had we gotten married, it would have been a hot
fire mess. Even though I look
the part and have all of the qualities a [southern] preacher’s wife should have,
I am sooooooo not that. I don’t even think I’m wife material because I
refuse to be bothered with a lot of shit married couples go through. I’m selfish, I don’t like compromise, I need
my space, and I don’t want children. Any
man who wants to boo up with me needs to understand and be able to accept these
things.
Anyway, back
to the original subject. I’m frustrated
because I’m still here, I haven’t
gotten the job I reeeeaaaaaally
wanted, and I’m still going back and forth with my major professor. Sooooo
not what I saw myself doing and being
as my birthday draws near. But I know
deep in my heart that this holding pattern is serving a very significant
purpose: as I forge new connections with some and rebuild old ones with others;
as I prepare to spend what may potentially be my last holiday season in the
United States with my family; as I complete my terminal degree…the life I have
now is coming to an end and a new one will begin. I guess the key word here is “end.” Perhaps in August, I wasn’t truly prepared
for things to end, even though I thought I was.
I see now that I haven’t said all my good-byes and haven’t laid certain
things to rest, and if I am to have a successful life as an expatriate author, these
things must occur.
As far as
the job I really want (a virtual school instructor), I’ve learned that it is
currently in a state of flux. There are
too many students, not enough teachers, the location is constantly changing,
and the HR people take their time with reimbursements and finding appropriate housing,
and there is an overall lack of professionalism from the top down. I was told all this by my friend (who is a department chair for said school), and she is of the belief that I’ve dodged a
bullet. Considering my need for
structure and stability, I tend to agree.
This last job I get will be just that; my last job, the one I’ll retire from.
So it needs to be the right one.
Until then, I’ll enjoy my family, finish up my research and graduate, so
I don’t have to be bothered with that
when my new life starts.
Y’all
already know that patience isn’t one of my virtues, but when you’re in a
holding pattern, you ain’t got no choice but to be patient. I’ll deal with my frustration because I know the
sacrifice I’m making is worth it in the end.
I want a certain kind of lifestyle, one I know I can have, and so
certain things must be in place. I
won’t be desperate, I won’t half-step, and I for damn sure won’t settle. The older I get, the more I know that time is
my friend, and with it, bullshit rolls downhill.
I maintain you need to move to Houston.
ReplyDeletehaving been there myself, i feel you boo.
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting this link from BGN. It's always comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through this #waiting period alone or holding pattern as you refer to it in your post. I like that term. Anyways, what really caught my eye in your post was "refusing to settle". I feel the EXACT same way. I feel like that when it comes to my relationships with men and when it comes to decisions in my career. I could easily settle for a job that pays a little bit more that doesn't challenge me in any way. Or I could take a job that pays a hell of alot more that challenges me in a significant way. Settle for what is easy? Or take the risk in what you were created to do. Thanks for this post. I really need to see this right now.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I could help. You're not alone.
ReplyDelete