I haven’t
done a post like this in quite some time, but it doesn’t mean that I haven’t
had anything to say in regards to women and relationships. There’s been a lot going on, and I’ve had the
misfortune to be front row and center.
Relationships
are hard. Whether one is married or
committed in another way, it’s damned hard, and having kids complicates matters
exponentially. Too many women I know
have experienced the dissolution of their relationships within the past year,
and the SO’s modus operandi appears
to be the same:
“I don’t want this relationship
anymore.”
“I’m tired of being married.”
“I need to go find my happiness
elsewhere.”
“I’m ready to move on.”
And with
each instance, the woman is devastated by the news. For three of them, it was out of the blue,
and for the fourth one…it’s been going on for a smooth eight years; he’s just
been keeping her in limbo.
Nowadays,
marriage doesn’t mean a fucking thing to some.
It’s like a pair of shoes that people try on, decide they like them
enough to buy, and then throw out when the soles become worn. Marriage vows are something that is steadily
becoming meaningless. That whole “for better or for worse” is nothing but a
load of horseshit. Or at least that’s my
opinion. No one else seems to take them
seriously. Noob says that it isn’t the
vows; it’s the people taking them. I
agree with that as well.
Relationships
scare me. I’ve had them before, but they
never lasted more than six months…and that’s because I refuse to put up with
certain things. One might even
extrapolate that I ended said connections before they could get too serious…and
I wouldn’t disagree with that assessment either. The point is that I don’t really believe that
anyone is worth that kind of heartache.
You have to know yourself, and I know myself very well. Had that been me on the receiving end of such
news…it wouldn’t go well for the offending party. My emotions are too strong, too powerful…even
with the meds. I can easily see myself
pulling a Bernadine or doing irreparable harm to said offender. At the very least, I would make sure that
their leaving is costly. I’ll get all methodical
and devise a plan of action that will surely cause them all kinds of
discomfort, if not pain.
 |
| This is Bernadine. |
I didn’t say
this was right or even sane. I’m just
telling you what I know.
To invest
years in a relationship; to make a commitment before the eyes of God (or
whomever you believe) or before the eyes of your loved ones is serious. At least it is to me and to the people I
know. And to have your SO decide that
they’re ready to move on after years and children who will clearly be affected
by the dissolution is devastating, and the ripple effects go on for decades and
may even be the start of generational curses.
A movie that
I love, How to Make an American Quilt,
deals with a flaky graduate student named Finn (played by Winona Rider) and her
relationship issues. She visits her
hilarious grandmother and great aunt Hy and Glady Jo (Ellen Burstyn and Anne
Bancroft) to finish her thesis and contemplate a marriage proposal. Finn is a flighty, indecisive sort who has a
hard time finishing things, and it’s frustrating but all too realistic watching
her trying to figure things out with the help of her grandmother and aunt, and
their friends, who are all part of a quilting bee. A succinct summary of the film would be
this: “The theme
of both the movie and the quilt the ladies are making is love and marriage and
the question of whether monogamous lifelong marriage is a realistic goal.” (Source:
imdB).
One particular conversation that Finn has with one of
the women is the realistic expectation of monogamy. She uses the term “serial monogamy,” and it
was a term that always stuck with me.
She says, “Why can’t we love as many people as we want in a lifetime,
one at a time?” My interpretation of
this term is that instead of committing to one person for a lifetime, why not
have a series of long-term relationships?
And when things end, the couple go their separate ways; no harm, no foul. I’m of the fluctuating belief that serial
monogamy might not be a bad way to go.
At least when things end, it’s mutual and you can avoid the straight-up
assault on your heart when the relationship has run its course. The problem with this is that it is (1)
fluctuating, and I can’t always trust my emotions, and (2) these things are
never cut and dry. Love never is. Commitment for damn sure isn’t.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to
get caught up in a relationship that’s going to end in the way I described
earlier. The stupidity of this statement is twofold: (1) I don’t
know what’s going to happen and (2) anything can happen at any time. I could fall in love with the person of my
dreams and lose them to sudden death. I
could die before ever experiencing the kind of love that hurts, which I’m told
is worth it for the happiness it can produce.
I’m not sure how I feel about any of this shit. I just know I’m tired of seeing my friends
cry because they are completely heartbroken that their relationships
failed. I’m tired of them questioning
themselves because their SOs might be selfish.
And I’m tired of seeing this scenario play out over and over again.
So I’m left with this to ponder: Is the happiness worth the tears? Do they balance each other out? Nothing is perfect; no relationship is
perfect and there are no guarantees for anything. Still, I’m one of those people who don’t need
to stick my hands in the fire to know it burns.
Am I crazy?
Probably. Are these the
disjointed ramblings of a stressed mind?
Absolutely. But are these observations
legitimate? Yes. And are they worth questioning? I think so.
However, I don’t think there are any real answers...at least any that
will satisfy me.
