Musings in the Dark: So You Wanna Be Wifey?


So You Wanna Be Wifey?

Seen here: ONE day out of MANY.

So this morning, I was talking to my bestie.  She’s got a friend that I’ll call Sharayne.  Sharayne was upset because the man she was messing around with—let’s call him Dwight—basically told her he didn’t see a future with her.  She asked him this and he gave her an honest reply.  Sharayne proceeded to cuss Dwight clean the fuck out and began crying to my bestie about how she’s ready to be married, she's been praying for a husband, and all that shit.

Y’all know how I get down.  Before I continue with this little saga, I need to provide a bit of context.  I’m a Southern woman, as is my bestie, as is Sharayne.  We all believe in God. Though what I’m about to say I truly believe crosses spiritual lines as well as geographic ones.  Southern women, especially southern sistahs, are raised a certain way.  We’re taught to cook, clean, keep house, and be great hostesses from the time we’re old enough to walk.  We’re taught things that are excellent qualities in a wife, because we’re expected to marry.  Now, not every southern woman is like this, but a great many of them are.  If you’re invited to my house, you can be sure of four things: it’s clean, it’s comfortable, there’s good food for you to eat, and I will take care of you as my guest.  I will not have anyone over to my house if those criteria aren’t met, and my southern sistahs are the same way.  It’s just the way we’re raised.

Back to the story.  My bestie told me that Sharayne keeps a filthy house and she doesn’t cook.  She has a child and is extremely bitter in regards to the child’s father.  She's bitter about a lot of things.  Dwight is a junior pastor.  Now I want you to understand that I am in no way absolving Dwight of his responsibility in this mess.  I’m speaking from a (southern) woman’s point of view because I’m a woman.  Sharayne forgot one simple rule: men will do what you allow them to do.  If you allow them to treat you like a whore, then they will.  Sharayne is good enough to fuck, but not good enough to marry.  She wants to be a wife, but she’s lacking some wifey qualities, especially if she wants to marry a preacher.

My point:  Ladies, if you want to be a wife, if you think you’re ready to be married, think again.  If you really want to be a wife, you need to get ready for that.  You need to know a few things.  Two questions you need to ask yourself are: (1) What kind of husband do I want? and (2) What kind of wife do you think he requires?  Then ask yourself: Am I that woman?  What kind of wife do I want to be?  If you want a successful, productive marriage, then you need to figure out what you can contribute and the kind of man you want who will complement you.  Marriage is about complementary compromise, among a shitload of other things.

Sharayne wants to boo up with a pastor.  There are requirements to being the First Lady of any church, especially a black church.  One of them is appearance.  First Ladies are pristine in every sense of the word.  Clean attire, clean car, clean house, clean image…everything is clean as a whistle and sharper than a bowl of razors.  First Ladies represent the pastor and the church, and they gotta represent well.  Look no further than Michelle Obama, the epitome of a First Lady.  Church or nation; it matters must represent if you want to be a FL.

Pictured: Royalty.  And a couple named Queen Elizabeth & Prince Philip Windsor

First Ladies have to entertain guests, especially visiting pastors and their families. Typically, these people stay at the home of the pastor and the First Lady, so she must be a primo hostess.  She has to be gracious, polite, smart, and accomplished, and she maintains a measure of aloofness in regards to the congregation.  This is not to say that she is unfriendly and does not participate in the activities of the church, but there are certain lines First Ladies don’t cross.  There are just some things you don’t see FLs doing.  Those of you who know what I’m talking about, you know exactly what I mean.

Using this as criteria, Sharayne is not ready to be the wife of a pastor.  And along with her other issues, I don’t think she’s ready to be a wife at all.  She’s still bitter about her child’s daddy; that demon hasn’t been laid to rest and her child is a teenager now.  You can’t bring that kind of mess into a marriage and expect it to thrive.  You can’t—or shouldn’t—be whoring yourself because you think it’s going to get you a husband.  Men are simple.  They think if you give it up so easily to one man, you’ll give it up to another man just as easy.  These are not the behaviors of a wife that a decent man wants, much less an ambitious preacher man.  Ladies, you really have to think about these things.

I feel as though if you want to be a wife, you ask God (or whomever you believe in) to prepare you for the task of being a wife, because that role is not an easy one.  Don’t ask God for a husband; ask Him to prepare you to be the kind of wife that the husband you want needs.  You need to be able to complement him and he you.  You need to be a united front and you need to have each other’s back.  Your marriage needs to be able to weather storms, and you can’t do that if you haven’t handled the storms in your own life.  Don’t pray for a husband just because you have the erroneous belief that he will save you from loneliness and economic crises.  You better be good company for yourself and handle your money issues before you get married, because shit gets real after the wedding cake’s all gone and the bills are due.

You don’t know what you as a couple will have to handle.  You don’t know what is waiting for you. What if you have very lofty goals?  Do you think that shit is easy?  Do you think that when Michelle Robinson was being courted by Barry from the southside that she foresaw herself as the queen of our great nation?  God put them through some serious shit during their marriage in order to test it and bless them with more.  Trust me. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to handle the presidency with as much style and grace as they do.

If you’ve never struggled with anything, then you will be a hot ass mess when struggle comes.  As my Momma used to say, you ain’t gotta look for trouble, trouble will find you...but trouble don’t last always.  If you’ve never been broke, paid all your bills on time, never had to care for anyone but yourself, and don’t know what it means to go without…you could easily end up marrying someone who’s gone through all those things and doesn’t panic when shit happens.  What if you fall in love with a wonderful widowed man with three kids?  What if you go head over heels for a guy with a mood disorder?  What if you fall for a man who works but isn’t good with money?  What if your credit is fucked up…and you fall in love with a man with equally shitty credit?  Then what are you going to do?  You better think before you pray.

In other words, you have to be prepared for anything when you ask God for a man/husband.   Don't sit on your ass and expect for God to send you the perfect man when you're less-than-perfect wife material.  You have to work for anything that you want, and getting a husband is no different. Don't look to God to do all the work.  Work on yourself.  And when you pray, you better be specific in your prayers, or you’ll get just what you asked for…a man.  A husband.  And not necessarily the one you wanted.

So ask yourself, ladies.  Do you want to be a wife?  Do you?  Then get ready for it.


  1. Great post. I was just speaking with a friend about this. She wasn't sure if she's ready for all the duties that come with being a wife. And it's very true what you say about Southern women. My grandmother's are Southern and they both cook and clean like nobody's business. And the traditional gender roles are strong in their households.


  2. Wow! I love this! You are soooo right. As a woman of God, I always believed that you should be careful what you pray for, because God is literal and He will give you exactly what you ask. That's why I never pray for patience... lol. Thanks for writing this Amaya. It really puts things in perspective.

  3. I can't tell you the # of times I've heard my sistren say, "Girl, Imma pray for God to send me a husband." Any husband will do, even the husband of another woman. I'm so tired of my girls thinking that marriage is duct tape and a can of WD-40 all in one. You have to work beforehand, during and afterwards. You don't marry a man to change him. You don't marry someone just because it's expected of you. TOO MANY of these marriages fail because they were not founded on something solid. I'm so tired of this. It was in my spirit and I just HAD to say something.

  4. @Cocoa Fly: I don't want to get married because I know better. I'm not wife least not right now. I'm selfish and I don't want to be bothered with having to be responsible for another person. I don't want to compromise. All I want is what I want, so I'm not even out on the market. I don't want kids and don't want to be bothered with kids. I know what I'm talking about. So when people come at me with that marriage garbage, I check them quick.

  5. So true. I see too many ladies my age (which to me is ridiculous to begin with) and older ask for certain things and not get what they wanted. My mum has told me til this day to be specific with God. Don't be afraid to be choosy and be honest. Great post.


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